jonaustin1481's profile

Nice scene, good flow, good voice and tone. Without more, its hard to comment much, but it does seem like a good start to something.

Well. Hmmm. I find it a little confusing, but you know what, there's something that does come across that strikes me as quite promising. I think the writer is trying to fuse two concepts together here. I applaud the effort, though its not quite meshing for me, I see potential. Keep writing!

Well. Hmmm. I like the idea, its certainly original, but without more of the context, it's difficult to know how to judge this piece, ie. a novel, a short story? thriller? Overall, I like the writing style and pacing, good insight into our character's thoughts and motivations. My main criticism is the first part, first paragraph or two, which falls into the common pitfall I like to call the "intro info dump." It's a mode often taken by writers early on in their work. I can hear what's inside ...

Very good, perhaps could be longer.