johnmarionfrancis has no favorites yet.
johnmarionfrancis's profile
AGE:
43
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 17
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 17
I am a Romance Short Story and novella writer.
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
Chapter One – "Want to share a ride?" Her hair was like golden spun sunshine, her smile quite and intimate as she looked at me from across the room. I was with some colleagues gabbing about a new surgical technique when I saw her looking my way. I didn't know which of them she was looking at. Roger is handsome and so is Michael. I was at a doctor's convention in San Francisco on break. I excused myself figuring I was blocking some move she was planning for one of them. I took my glass of wine...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Chapter One – "Want to share a ride?" Her hair was like golden spun sunshine, her smile quite and intimate as she looked at me from across the room. I was with some colleagues gabbing about a new surgical technique when I saw her looking my way. I didn't know which of them she was looking at. Roger is handsome and so is Michael. I was at a doctor's convention in San Francisco on break. I excused myself figuring I was blocking some move she was planning for one of them. I took my glass of wine...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
4 Reviews
1 Comment
Chapter 1 – It’s just another Day Raven heard the phone ringing as she was brushing her hair. “This is Raven Simone” she answered as she took another drag off her cigarette, flicking the ashes in an ashtray walking towards her closet to pick out an outfit for the night. “Raven? It’s Jerry. Are you available around 7pm tonight?” “It’ll have to be a quickie honey” “Okay, at our usual place?” “Yeah and don’t be late or you be in the room by yourself” said Raven as she quickly hung up on him. “So...
Ratings & Rankings
[ View all items ]
Reviews
Observation: Guidelines: Title, Subject/Meaning, Grammar and Syntax, Metaphor & Simile, Structure, Rhythm & Pace, Vagueness & Abstractions, Clichés & Originality. The title is strong and drew me in Subject Meaning - I clearly understood that I was expecting Grammar, Syntax - well balanced Metaphor - You used a lot of elements that relate to a mother (sewing, womb, etc.) Structure, Rhythm & Pace - Chromatic meaning with a jazz pace uneven yet even on tempo. Vagueness & Abstractions - It got of...
Observation I would put page 2 beginning where the second paragraph started in front of page 1. This would hook the readers interest right away and pull them into the "event" that sets the tone of the story and add to the starting pace of the story which is urgent. I don't know who is telling the story. Excellent story telling from the "observers view" but on page 1 you started talking about the "event". As I kept reading I was waiting to find out who is telling the story behind the glass. A ...
Observation This is very choppy and has no hook or connection to draw the reader in to want more. I do realize from your "Notes" that this is a cut a past to give the reviewer an idea of your where your story is going, but it runs out before it can gain momentum. The character setup is very weak. I understand that... "After lifetimes of struggle The Warrior is. He has morphed, through GOD’S grace, into that which is the grandest vision he had for himself." What did he morph into? Morph from? ...
Being a third generation military person myself, you really have the jargon down. The dialog was good and realistic without over doing it. Yeah in the military cursing is part of daily communication, but some writers tend to over do it. Your descriptions and environments were spot on. Group talk and dialog was strong without confusing the reader. Leading up to the end I was sucked in by Chapter 22 waiting to get to Chapter 23 and 24 to see how the event would turn out! This was a good hook. S...
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People
