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jmorton's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 08
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 08
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Version 1
4 Reviews
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TIMMY THOMPSON IS DEAD Characters: Adele Brooke Cassie Jake A dark and dingy school basement, poorly lit by few lamps to give the impression of a campfire setting. Centre-stage stands a small, wooden chair. Stage-left is a door, the only entrance required. The back of the stage is littered with old boxes, brooms, buckets and various other cleaning utensils. A single, small wooden chair sits tucked away to one side of the stage. Every item in sight appears as if it has not seen daylight in cen...
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Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
The air is calm. The sea sweeps back and forth across the shore, opaque and emerald, running its fingertips over the grains, carving gentle grooves into the sand before wiping it clean again. The clouds hang low overhead, grey and heavy with a forthcoming storm, waiting patiently for daybreak and their time to subside. The sun peers anxiously over the horizon, timing its appearance to perfection. The little girl has been dead for a very long time. Her eyes and mouth are hanging open; her arm...
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Very disturbing - the relationship between Jocelyn and Edmund is nothing like what you might expect of a mother and son, so it is very conventional in that aspect. I liked the idea of having Jocelyn singing 'Oom pah pah' - it becomes a sort of theme tune, emphasising the idea that she isn't taking the situation seriously (inspired by Albee maybe)? You might have trouble getting it produced though, mainly because of the violence. However, I was really intrigued and recommend you keep trying - ...
What I like about this piece is your knowledge of the genre you're writing for, although that depends on the term 'young adult'. I would classify this piece as something that teenagers would be particularly interested in, as the character seems to be someone with the same insecurities that we all face as teenagers - I know that she's supposed to have Lyme Disease but that didn't seem to be touched on in this extract. I especially liked the term 'domino effect' to describe the sensation of bei...
Impressive - I liked your use of imagery throughout, it made it very easy for me as a reader to visualise the events you were referring to. However, if I can offer one piece of constructive criticism, it would be regarding the structure - I think it would be slightly easier to read if you began with a topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph before going into a topic in any detail. This way the reader would be prepared for what they are about to read and would grasp your point more e...
This is pretty impressive, it must have taken you a while. Whilst I enjoyed it very much and would definitely read on if there's more available, I do have some pieces of advice: 1) This is a very long piece. I think this might deter some people from reading it on Urbis. Also, if this were to become an entire novel, a 10000 word opening chapter might deter readers who are the general public. I find it's much better to be eased into a book (as Kundera chooses to do, for instance), rather than b...
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