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jmantooth's profile
AGE:
36
LOC: Birmingham, AL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 24
LOC: Birmingham, AL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 24
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Version 1
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Daniel got the call from Aunt Patty the same day he found out April was pregnant. “Dottie’s about to die,” Patty said, getting right to business, which was her way. “Is she in the hospital?” Daniel said. He found that he was surprised by the call despite Dottie’s age. She must have been in her nineties. Maybe it was the news coming on top of April’s good news, but he felt disoriented by the whole thing. “She’s at home. We’ve called hospice.” Hospice. That meant the end was very near. He remem...
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You have some nice evocative lines in this piece. My favorite:Fingertips like fire trace circles into bare skin. Searing their mark.. forever etched. I'm not sure I follow this line:The mars and embarrassments are not seen... The planet mars? I can't think of anything else other than a Mars Bar, but I doubt you meant that. Overall, nice images in this.
Nice work. I can't say I understand it, but it is definitely evocative. I could see this getting published somewhere. I wonder why you chose to eschew capital letters in this piece. I think it works, but I still wonder what the reasoning was. I love the poetry of this piece. Good work
Not bad for a story with no background about how he got in the situation. I like the way you described his descent into madness, though the desert mirage thing is a little cliched. I don't know what to say about this one, really. It works for what it is, but if you wanted to go for publication you'd definitely have to flesh it out.
You have some very basic writing errors in this piece. Run-on sentences are the biggest problems. Let me give you and example: You write--Grandma had ants in her pants when it came to living somewhere, three times in two years was alot of moving. --- This is a kind of run on sentence called a comma splice. A comma is not strong enough to hold two sentences together. To fix this problem you could use a semicolon instead of the comma or just start a new sentence at "three" More comma splices he...
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