jkazimer's profile

Seemed to fit the category well. But in most romances I read, the same question comes to mind. Why kill the parents off? Now, I think it works as far as building tension in the opening. It kept me actively involved in the story, and I'd likely read more. As for criticisms: First off, you have some errors in punctuation specifically when using dialogue. Here's an example of how dialogue should be punctuated: "I want to go," she said. He laughed. "You're wrong." "Let me," she yelped, "go." If y...

As I'm working on a fairytale type tale as well I was interested in reading this. And yes, you really need to work on punctuation, so I won't point out grammar issues, but know that they are there. As for the story, I'm not sure it works for YA, nor as a novel. The first problem I see is that everything happens too fast between Harmony Divine (which I hate to say brings instantly to mind a stripper) and Luca. There is no tension, no working towards or building of a relationship, so I'm not in...

The story intrigues me, and I'd read further. The writing's okay, could be tightened a bit by cutting out many of the adverbs. If you're using lots of adverbs, it's usually because your verbs aren't strong enough. So I'd look at that. Example: the nurse instructed sharply, "And be careful, she gets violent." He looked at me hesitantly. Show us via the dialogue that she's sharp, or that he's hesitant. Also, a bit passive. Example: His grasp slipped a little and I was able to break out of it, f...

From the top: What would you do if a world ... (Many agents suggest you don't begin with a question. Now, I don't think this is a bad one, maybe a bit long, but I think it works as a hook) Calvin Thomas wasn't always crazy. He began as a caring, gentle and loving brother to his sister, Eleanor, and cared for her after their parent's mysterious death. (Too much information. Your goal is to provide the conflict and make me want to read your ms. This back story doesn't do that. I like the wasn't...