For lack of sunlight, I'm out of work. I sleep and dream of leaves and how i might infect them with all these poison apples in my guts and everything that's black and worm-worn there. Then i think on the utility of trees. All our multitasking. How we piss fruit, and shit air.  In winter, we rest. Our branches dance independently, but only in the fiercest, ice-choked, winds. Buried in snow and sentiment, the leaves have been quiet for some time. We consider dormancy, and the privacy it br...

The Bicycle Courier           The air around the courier was quicksand, so humid he didn’t know which was sweat and which was dew. Every leaden pedal stroke seemed to carry him backwards, when his bike only knew one direction. Knew it faithfully, stubbornly even. Uphill on the straight-aways, flat on the downs, and I think I can on the inclines. Pull with the hamstrings, push with the quads.        The courier extended o...

     I signed up for this free dating website. Purely for research mind you. In my about me section I wrote “I’m a good cook when I have the time, surf and ride my bike for exercise, and love a good game of scrabble.” All three pictures of me on the site were action shots. Andrew Caffey, on a water ski. Andrew Caffey, in sunglasses with the top down. Andrew Caffey, at the top of Macchu Pichu with a Peruvian sunset in the background. I didn’t list my...

  I signed up for this free dating website. Purely for research mind you. In my about me section I wrote “I’m a good cook when I have the time, surf and ride my bike for exercise, and love a good game of scrabble.” All three pictures of me on the site were action shots. Andrew Caffey, on a water ski. Andrew Caffey, in sunglasses with the top down. Andrew Caffey, at the top of Macchu Pichu with a Peruvian sunset in the background. I didn’t list my income bracket. M...

I signed up for this free dating website. Purely for research mind you. In my about me section I wrote “I’m a good cook when I have the time, surf and ride my bike for exercise, and love a good game of scrabble.” All three pictures of me on the site were action shots. Andrew Caffey, on a water ski. Andrew Caffey, in sunglasses with the top down. Andrew Caffey, at the top of Macchu Pichu with a Peruvian sunset in the background. In my profile, I didn’t list my occupatio...

I signed up for plentyoffish.com. It’s like match.com, but without the fee. I uploaded my picture. This was my blurb about myself, that appeared on my profile along with my pictures that I’d carefully chosen. I cook and I surf. I used to have long hair but I cut it. I read a lot. I play some basketball. I didn’t tell them I write for this blog. I didn’t have an answer for what I did for a living yet. I decided I would come up with one when they asked. The beauty of sta...

  Next to the trickling creek sits the singing cicada, sunning himself as he plays his minor part in the orchestral sounds commonly associated with deep forest. In good weather, the cicada only stops singing when he eats. When his mouth happens to be full of some deciduous leaves, he hums. It is summer and the weather is the perfect halfway between lazy and content.   On just the other side of the stream, a young ant builds her hill. She can’t hear his song with the white nois...

Next to the trickling creek sits the singing cicada, sunning himself as he plays his minor part in the orchestral sounds commonly associated with deep forest. In good weather, the cicada only stops singing when he eats. When his mouth happens to be full of some deciduous leaves, he hums. It is summer and the weather is the perfect halfway between lazy and content. On just the other side of the stream, a young ant builds her hill. She can’t hear his song with the white noise of the water...

Imagine you're a 7'4" sufferer of giganticism. You wear drapes for clothes, had to take the front seat out of the volvo to reach the gas pedals, and are in constant vigilance lest some door jamb or umbrella spine brain or blind you, respectively. Now imagine, because of this disease, you are good at basketball. really good. you have just the right ammount of giganticism. Your arms are tree trunks, your legs are bigger tree trunks, your jawline's length is just short of your closest heigh...

The enemy's spies who have come to spy on us must be sought out, tempted with bribes, led away and comfortably housed. Thus they will become converted spies and available for our service. ~Sun Tzu, from “The Art of War.”          I am, regrettably, a nail biter. I don’t remember when I started. It’s been that long. I clipped my nails, to my memory, exactly once. I had just gotten braces, and for a week back in 7th grade, I was b...