I really enjoyed the imagery you've chosen for this piece. I could almost smell Bacos and Certs. The ending, in my humble opinion, was absolutely beautiful. I love how it all sounds bitter and slightly cynical until the last 5 lines where you redeem your anger, your bitterness, in your most vulnerable moments. I think it was a nice contrast to the overall feeling of the piece.

I wouldn't say it sucks completely. It is a little...angsty, if you will, but it isn't as "sucky" as you may think it is. Hmmm, my other problem with this is the word "inching"...it just doesn't sound appropriate when read aloud. Try something else like "creeping" (although, a bit cliched) or "sly" or something else that implies a sneaky way of approaching.

The first and second stanzas totally grabbedd my attention with their just-shy-of-subtle rhyme schemes. I loved it--thought it fit perfect into the context of the poem in regards to the hip hop image and what not. But, all the following stanzas didn't have any rhyme scheme at all, which threw me off a bit and, to be honest, left me a little disappointed. From that observation, i can only assume that your rhyme scheme in the begining stanzas was unintentional--but, maybe you should try having ...

Okay, here is the thing: a little preachy, a little teen angsty. Omit cliche terms and phrases such as "a dark soul lashing out," "the paralyzing fear that traps the scream/in the back of your throat," "by my cold, dark, waters," "the cruel torments of a lonely world." Don't let this be discouraging, it's just...there are always better ways to say what's been said already and, i'll admit, what i've mentioned as definite omits have definitely been said before. There is always room to improve t...

Wow. Simply beautiful. "I want more than simply to imagine what some frightened boy from Vermont felt as he fired into the dressed ranks of Virginia. Even so, I lay flat and sight fence posts." I love this line because of the way you've described your desires to learn more while, at the same time, not wanting to in previous and later stanzas. When i read "sight fence posts" i read it as taking to those very fence posts for information, as if you are gathering all you know of that date from th...

This poem made me feel really nostalgic. Very nice. My favourite lines would have to be: We spent long nights on our backs/satring at the sky/wathcing trees breathe/being fifteen/being alive. In that one section, you've described so much so beautifully. Hell, you could even just take that, write it on a sheet of paper and it would work swell as short poetry. I also adore the last stanza. I found it wonderful that, instead of by desire, it was of circumstance that lead you past his house. And ...

First off: Absolutely stunning, truly. I really enjoyed how you capture the artificiality of Hollywood by describing how the black and white photos of old movie stars grace even the walls of the DMV! A very strong way to open, definitely made me want to keep on reading. "Where you can still view them/for a twenty-five dollar entry fee/" I adore the way you include the mundane things that others may find unnecessary--it adds that sort of wise-beyond-one's-years charm to it. It also shows an un...

Very Lovely. The first stanza is absolutely beautiful, and it sets the tone quite well. I especially enjoy the first two lines, as they have a very confrontational mood/tone to them--and it works. First issue are the first two lines of the second stanza. They sound a little trite, and maybe a little forced--but, hey, maybe i just think that. The last two lines ending that second stanza are incredible--a nice visual in terms of physicality. The last stanza is really incredible. Everything does...