jelissa's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: Oskaloosa, IA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 15
LOC: Oskaloosa, IA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 15
Basically I somehow ended up with two accounts on here and have no idea how. Just using this to hold my works till I transfer them over…THe stories are not my best, but some of my favorite memories.
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Version 1
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It was an angry summer night. The storm hadn’t hit just yet, but I could hear it rumbling in the distance. The lightening struck every couple of seconds illuminating the gravel road before me. My head lights, though on, weren’t much help as a thick fog settled into the valley of each small hill that my car raced by. I didn’t really need the lights though, time had made it so I knew every inch of the road, every turn, and every spot in need of new gravel. The rain started lightly, just a few f...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
The reasons I love the café is simply really. There’s something about being my own boss that I find thrilling if not scary, but mainly it’s the people. It’s the ability to sit and talk with people while the traffic outside rushes past in a hurry to get somewhere. It’s the ability to take a moment and see the beauty around me. For instance today. Ah today this elderly couple came in. I would venture to guess he’s a few years older than she is, but both are probably in their late 70’s if not ea...
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
I told him I wanted to get struck by lightening. I stood not looking at him, but looking out the glass door into the dark night that was broken up by the vivid displays of lightening. One one hundred two one hundred three one hundred four. Yes the storm was definitely closer now. The rain came down in sheets, slapping the glass with little pings that broke the silence of the night. The news promised it’d be a good one and as usual the farm had lost electricity moments after they said it was c...
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Reviews
This was very interesting. First off, the title throws me off. Reading it without the title I'd have imagined a bus or train full of people they didn't know. Maybe a Monday night ride hence the conversation flowing the day before with people they know. Yet the title suggests that these people know each other. Now it makes a huge difference in the way I see the story. If they're strangers then I think the story is put together very nicely and with a very few words you've captured a lot about o...
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In the first paragraph the sentence that began with His mother threw me off. I spent some tiem trying to figure out if the two are half brothers or what. I'd change it to Their mother's.... It's not that big of a deal, but it was enough to distract me. I get where you're going with the comment on the coroner but it's a little to much with the auto mechanic part. You need to find a way to make it flow better. You jump from the coroner to Lanny's past very quickly. I think it could be a very aw...
I love the topic! THe mirror usuage is so realistic. One thing that really gets to me is the use of the word "our" starting in the 2. part. You use it first to describe the interaction between her and the narrator and then to describe the narrator and his friends. Even at the end you write that she approaches "our" table. It threw me off. Also the aldy of the table at the end throws things off. It's an odd place to mention it as it really adds to the story. Overall though it's really good.
I loved the dialogue in this story. It was very easy and natural. The descriptions were simply beautiful. I think my favorite was the part that describes the lake silver with the scales. I liked the ending but it seemed to leave the audience hanging. I know many people go for that but in a way it doesn't end.
The first paragraph is hard to read. I think it is a combination of the lacking capitalization and overbearing descriptions. Actually those two things really take away from the entire story. Also many of the sentences seem to just run together, especially the second sentence. I do really like parts such as how you talk about missing the ordinary days and that reaching for happiness is too much of a stretch. I think the content is very good.
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