4. Davie beats Terri (which is forcing it) but when Teri sees -> reads odd (the past to present tense-switch) then spews for twenty minutes - I don't like us *not* hearing these 20 minutes. Preach to us gayru! gray spectrum - first time I read it as a gay spectrum. If this is your clever, subliminal wordplay, then you got game! If not - why not? sinewously - breathes like seriously, sounds like sinuously. I'm digging your style. Neologisms spread out evenly throughout - very intelligently....

line 2: you don't need "just" - it seems weird that you "kill" yourself at the beginning of the song. Maybe the first two lines could be the last 2? Anyway, I love hanging oneself with a guitar string. You think you know about me But you really don't know anything - these two lines are the main problem in this song. You just say something, don't mean it's true, no view from the other side. If you think she doesn't know *anything*, explain to us what that is - what are you like. OK, you're not...

(of Mongolian origin) - I'd leave this out, it seems like a non vital info for the story and brings in more confusion. If I got it correctly Ixat is Hannah's father - why would she be paying him for taxi (well, the other way around)? so he could feel like a normal human being - I don't think you can feel like a normal human being if you have a wall of cameras installed on your hospital bed. It was a great seeing - delete "a" I didn't get the Sex Rex bit. AFAIK it means "sex king" and is vague...

I reviewed this once before, right? Right. I see several problems here - first it's all too fragmented (like random memories thrown one after another, lacking a strong connection, except that they are memories), second - too many vague lines that may trigger _your_ memories, but not the reader's. Let's go specific. Her eyes still green - why shouldn't they be? Did you expect they would change their color? Also, linebreaking on "once" makes no sense to me. Write the first sentence (the first 3...

OK, though this one bears tremendous potential in exquisite imagery and originality, it suffers from too much vagueness and redundancy. Let's see... The first 4 lines actually don't give us any useful info or imagery, this poem deserves a faster, more intense beginning. Beginning with those swaying hips seems appropriate and visually satisfying. Another thing - linebreakage doesn't work for me. Lines are too short and therefore some of them hang there uselessly, clinging onto the previous or ...

Phew! What a ride! I couldn't really isolate my favorite part or expression, because there are too many (OK, hurtlove and sleepsheets was genius), so I'm going to concentrate on those few spots where the poem stumbled for me. 1st line: span hurts this poem. I can't see where the spiders are. 2nd line: stills - same problem. Can mean a dozen different things. Those two word choices are probably the only ones that cause trouble for me in this poem. daze, - this comma is not needed in a non-punc...

Tuesday 13th - powerful, maybe you want to include a year? Anyway, since most suicides statistically happen on Mondays, this speaks about the main character. cheap Homer Simpson tie - cheap not necessary. I believe there are no such ties that are expensive. mythologizing - -ing form destroys the sentence syntactically. outside schools - _everything_ is outside schools (except the school's insides that is), so this is vague, maybe in school yards, behind schools? scrape through in L1.75 - is h...

refrigerated overnight. - refrigerate The "kitchen" beginning is well written, made me read the rest. midget tossing - hilarious! I took to the closest women - this is awkwardly phrased: you could find a better verb than took, and also "closest" sounds too vague Princess Lei - Leia I didn't get the Ishmael bit. Overall, you could make it better by making shorter the first part. What definitely stands out here is the "forest" part - funny, and also cool because all of those references (Star Wa...

tangled through your thighs - through sounds wrong, like it's there just for the sake of alliterations. I believe the picture you were trying to pant was something like "sheets entwined with your thighs" 2nd line - you don't need "of" Overall punctuation could be better. You end all the lines with a punctuation mark and a lot of those, especially commas, are not needed. How long will this game continue, of chess in bedroom stances. - this is too fragmented. You cold go with: How long will it ...

Actually, this has a lot of potential idea-wise. Still, you could avoid some things that are too obvious, like lines 2-4. Those cold be used to better describe your feelings and/or the well itself (I was especially surprised at the word "chase" in the 3rd stanza - gave me impression the well was actually very wide) The weakest part is definitely "the light makes..." stanza. Too vague. Says nothing. Concentrate what exactly becomes prettier when lighted - I imagine there are no many things ava...