I think this could be improved by breaking it in to stanzas. I would like to see you added more examples of the growing distance btw you and your child in the later years. It seems to weaken towards the end. I didn't really like the last line, it was a just kind of there. I think this could be a really strong piece if you reworked the last 1/2. Personally, I can easily relate. My childhood was a lot like that. Now that I am a mother myself, it is something I fear happening in my relationship ...

I think this has the potential to be much more than it is right now. I love the sprawling stream of consciousness running through it, but it is still too much of a letter to effectively grasp the undivided attention of your audience. It speaks directly to the audience, rather than showing the entire situation. It has some great moments though, such as: "any line after this one will be superfluous" & "because. when I break a line, I am the Great Bambino ..." It’s a good start.

This is a really interesting introspective piece. The only real critique I have for it is, you have already setup that you are speaking to yourself, so in the line "Face it, I tell myself, two eyes peering" you reference to your self, as if we didn't already know who you were talking to. I think you could rephrase this to keep it in tone with the rest of the poem. Overall I think you accomplished great self speaking portrait.

I enjoyed the poem, and understand the references and correlations you are trying to make here. But the poem ends on a understated note, it leaves me feeling like something is lacking, or left unsaid. I'm note sure if that is helpful, but that’s what I got out of it. I would suggest either reworking the last line or try adding another line to it.

This has a lot of potential; the subject of this poem is very interesting. The wording in this line is a little awkward –“the lysol tickled my nose where i’d almost sneezebut couldn’tâThis is a great images – ”... your hand drift unconsciously downto feel a last little earthquake inside” Honestly, I think you could strengthen this piece if you stopped talking to her (the subject “youâ) and made her more of a character in the poem, rather than the audience. I would suggest revising...

I like the idea, but I found it to be too simplistic. I would like to see more descriptions and more of a conclusion. As it is most of the characters are very cliché, they need more detail to become real for a reader. Give the monster some teeth, give the characters some blood!

I found the title caught my attention, and the first stanza creates some nice build up, but then it just falters out. I don’t really have any specific critique for you, except that it seems to be more of an intro than a completed work.

You have three movements here that can stand alone, although I see the common thread they have that allows them to act as a single work also. It seems you are talking about both an ended relationship and your relationship with the sky or space (for the lack of a better way to describe it). One thing that throws me off a little is that the “Iâ is completely removed from the 1st movement, and ever present in the 2nd & 3rd. With each movement alone it’s not a problem, but together it distances t...

I think you could use a little work on the dialogue and need a little more character development. Those two areas seemed a little flat, but otherwise you seem to have a simple smooth flowing story.

Very intresting poem. Nice strong visuals through out. I think it would be less redundant if you changed the word consern in one of the places where it is used. Personally I would like to see it expanded, and elaborated. However,just as it is, it is still a plesuable read.