I've read a few of your earlier sections, and I must say that your writing style is expanding with your story. I was engaged by this, and the technical glitches were not so numerous as to slow me down or pull me out of the flow of the story as they did in an earlier version. Stick with this, please, I'd love to see you make it to a nice end, and I'll bet that by the time you get there you will have developed the ear to edit the earlier chapters effectively. The only quibble I have is that som...

you came, you wote, i liked

Lovely but a bit erratic.

Sometimes, you sacrifice flow for rhyme. Other than that, lovely. Kudos.

An engaging start that did draw me in. I only have a couple of suggestions. First, sometimes you are a bit too obvious with a characters backstory and it pulls me out of the flow of your narrative. The only other thing is that sometimes your place (setting) changes seem a bit too abrupt and not quite natural. Two rather simple things to fix, though. All in all, a marvelous job. J.B.

Very, very nice.