the last line in the first verse was so absolutely shocking to me. it was wonderful. the whole poem itself is very raw, which, in this case, is a good thing. the words you use all work together to compare things in the most unexpected ways. this is an impressive piece, despite how short it is. im sorry i cant seem to criticize this piece much at all.

This piece was very simple, but it worked so well in its simplicity. I gave me that warm fuzzy feeling that people talk about, and i definetly cracked a smile. Narrative type poems have a huge potential to be boring, but i think that you did a wonderful job keeping me on track and hooked. You didnt spare any details that might have seemed unconventional, and that was my favorite part about this piece. I had a sense of real life about it, and thats what made it really good. I usually dont read...

the thing i liked the most about this poem was the sensory data that you sort of forced on the reader. images such as mortar were very extreme and i liked that. the thing i liked the least was your use of the word yearn. you used it alot in the middle-ending, and it seemed kinda over-used. this poem was interesting to me because there didnt seem to be any deliberate direction that you were going for. this worked fine because of the sensory detail, but it is nice to feel a sense of closure to ...

the rythmn of this poem is very great. it has a satisfying tume to it that makes me want there to be more. however, the content was somehting that has more potential. There is nothing about this poem that really stood out to me. My suggestion to you is to find some language that is more extravagant, This is a small poem ,you should spice it up alittle. If you want this poem to be memorable, you have to create a sensory apparatus in which all of your words and ideas thrive.

The title of this poem was very intriging to me. I love anything with an automated or industrial feel and your title really rubbed that idea off on me. The idea that you present is hard to fully explain or represent in the short poem you have here. I think the best move for you would be to expand upon this poem, elaborating a little on each line. This will make you ideas seem more complete and will make it easier for the reader to understand.

Im not sure if compressed is supposed to be capitialized, but it kinda threw me off as it was right after a couple proper nouns. It would be better as "T. and I squeezed, compressed, into (a) neat little secret" Again, im not sure why "stubby" is capitalized, but the use of this word really did get a rise out of me. It was a very unexpected word choice. I also think that if you put a period after"cold cheeks", you could keep "stubby" capital and the entire line would make the most sense that ...

Line 1: certin = certain comma after "reality" "We must have" instead of "We have to have", it sounds less redundant. After reading the first paragraph, I was a little confused.(a bit more than you wanted me to be, I suspect) Bob, is he in the hospital at the time of this conversation, or is that a past tense deatail? Whether it is a current or past detail, I suggest that you take a good look at the verb tenses in the last bit of this paragraph. If it is a current detail, it should go a somet...

To you, I suggest that you devise a more organized rythme scheme for this poem. This is usually not somehting that I reccomend, considering it is the 21st century and rythme strucutre was thrown out with sonnet writing in the 60's. However, I think that this poem has a classical whimsy(antique, rather) and I think that this piece could benifit with a defined cadance. Beyond this, I thought that this was a nice piece of work in which each verse had something different that I could appreciate.

Well, sir, I think that your passion for b-ball should be matched with a passion for grammar. I seen alot of places in this piece where there should be a comma, or you spelled somehting wrong. To me, this made this piece seem unfinished, or maybe a poem that you didnt take very seriously. You use of language is great beacuse it casual, but is still deliberate, which is important. There was definetly a specific voice in this poem and I think that you have a natural talent that you should work ...