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incredibledisc's profile
AGE:
35
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 15
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 15
I’ve been writing poetry and short stories for a number of years now. My aims are 1) to continue to improve my writing 2)to find places where my work can be published 3) complete a novel.
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Version 1
14 Reviews
6 Comments
Chapter one I had been drifting for quite some time. How long I had been in the water was difficult to say. It might have been a few hours. It might have been a few days. I was being carried along inexorably by the rolling currents of the ocean. I bobbed in the swell alone except for my thoughts and the merciless glare from the sun beating down from overhead. I had hit my head at some point leaving a deep cut in my scalp that salt water stung. I was intermittently flitting in and out of consc...
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Version 1
5 Reviews
8 Comments
CHAPTER ONE: A LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE _‘- Bzzt, crackle.’_ I had no idea how long I had been drifting for. It might have been a few hours; it might well have been several days. Carried along inexorably by the rolling currents of the silent ocean, I was alone except for my thoughts and the merciless glare of the sun beating down from overhead. To the best of my knowledge, I had been floating - drifting in and out of a semiconscious daze - ever since I had leapt into the water from the deck of ...
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There are some very good turns of phrase and nice images here but by the end I was left thinking "what was the point?" My own personal opinion is that you could really develop this idea a lot further than you have at present. How did he die? Why had nobody found him for nearly a week? Your narrator doesn't seem to have much of a connection with the dead uncle yet muses endlessly on his death - surely he must have made more of an impact to trigger such a response? On a nit-picky note - you use...
As you say this is a draft so you already know that it could be tightened up a little. I'm also writing this as I read each page so I may write something only to have it contradicted by something later. The first paragraph is overly descriptive imho and should be streamlined. For example you mention he is coughing frequently then the next sentence you mention he is choking. Similarly with the second paragraph which talks about his eyes - I would maybe lose the part about trying to cleanse out...
I found this piece to be rambling and incoherent. There is potentially a good set up with you unable to sleep, flipping through tv channels and reflecting on your relationship but the execution feels painfully self conscious - like you're trying to hard to make this sound like "proper" writing. The point of view wanders all over the place. My advice - Stop. Go back and write it again and this time be honest about your emotions and let that come through in your writing. I would utilise a dairy...
Your synopsis sounds interesting although I think you try to pack too much in so simplifying it might help. For example the part about a former bullying victim returning as a teacher seems redundant not to mention slightly cliched. By all means keep that plot strand but it seems secondary to the main narrative the way it is currently written. You could do with some editing at this stage. EG In the first para "...screamed the grossly overweight driver as he rose with great difficulty from his ...
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