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human1's profile
AGE:
48
LOC: Charleston, WV
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 11
LOC: Charleston, WV
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 11
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Version 1
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It was exactly one year ago today, that I felt my life closing in and shutting down – as if I had just been given the news that I had contracted some terminal disease – no chance of recovery. I remember being filled with the sadness of knowing that THIS would be the last birthday I would spend with my family of nearly 18 years, not because I was dying – but because my wife would be leaving. The children would most likely go with her, because I was working as a store manager, and many weeks I...
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Version 2
9 Reviews
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Unbidden How strange it is, to feel this swell of emotion that comes so stridently and unexpectedly from the unwatched flanks, Unbidden, into my heart - demanding acknowledgement that it exists at all. Sadly, I think that I must question for my protection the motives the agenda of the heart that gives it life and sends it here. What do you require of me? Why won't you just go away? I ask, and yet I know the answers all too well. Dare I have the courage, even the strength to withstand its voi...
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Version 1
3 Reviews
3 Comments
Unbidden How strange it is to feel the swell that comes so stridently and unexpectedly from the unwatched flanks unbidden into our hearts demanding that we acknowledge the very fact that it exists at all Sadly we think that we must question for our protection The motives The agenda of the heart that gives it life. Why are you here and what do you require of me? Why won't you just go away? We ask and yet we think we know the answer. Dare we have the strength and the courage to withstand its v...
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I don't want to come off too harsh, here. You are quite young yet, and I would suggest reading some good books to give you a better idea of how to put together a better story. I would suggest something by Arthur C. Clarke, Isaac Asimov, Michael P. Kube-McDowell, or Frank Herbert. These men knew/know how to write! You may want to consider taking some courses in creative writing, also. Good luck, and for sure, don't give up - keep trying.
A geek's paradise! I like the sense of lonliness and boredom paired together here. A few editorial choices I would make: 1) Catalyze, instead of catalyst, 2)"an avid (no cap on the "a") cutting together of (add the "of")all the best scenes and 3)The last line needs set up a bit more - you may need something just before it to flesh it out a bit better. Overall, nice writing style! You definitely have a talent.
First of all, if you are indeed a soldier, let me thank you for your service to your country. God bless all our service men and women. No one that has not been in those boots can ever know how you feel, and thank you for sharing this. It is a beautiful piece that conveys the horrors of war, and makes me very thankful that there are still people in this country with a sense of honor and duty.
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