hovercraft's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: Lake Forest, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 22
LOC: Lake Forest, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 22
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
3 Comments
Crash! goes my heart, which I was so carefully cradling with my fingertips, which I was trying so hard to keep from further bruising, Crash! goes my heart. I anxiously rock back and forth from my heels to my toes, awaiting your arrival when, after days of swimming in a lukewarm tub of loneliness, clouded with despair and bubbling with impatience, I can finally hold you. Tomorrow night, our legs can finally intertwine once more. I can finally hold your head close against my chest so you...
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Each trying step I take on the crumbling concrete, trodding upon the pawprints of my youth, I wake the dead. Crippled, alone in comatose reverie, they are pebbles in the cracks of the porch. As I inch closer, they easily perk up, as I uneasily slow. Up, they stand. Painstakingly, they crawl. Up, and away. Speckled with yellow. Up, they climb. Trickling up my leg, like a stream of urine confused by that tyrannical force; the Man: Gravity.
Version 1
1 Review
4 Comments
I miss you like a page from a book yearns to be one again with the oak from which it was so wretchedly stolen. My heart... it beats for you, and only you. A brilliant and unassumingly breathtaking sunrise seems so easily despairing now because I can't share it with you. My heart... it aches as my morale breaks in a useless search for someone not anyone for you to hold.
Version 1
1 Review
1 Comment
Trapped in the blaring sunlight a spotlight shone upon me, hjoping to choke a few words out of this lonely mouth Instead I choke on the words that I wish I could scream but who would listen? The trees, perhaps? Or maybe the wild daffodils, that sneer at me with strange delight as I tread lightly over their brave cousins: the wheatgrass and the miner's lettuce. No. Mother Nature glares at me. I am not of this earth I have not sprung from her dirty womb, but from M...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
The grass, ripe with dew that has soaked through my shoes, welcomes me, though I really am quite a bitter weed amongst the grass, ripe with dew. This yard offers me, as I sit on my swing, a break from the norm. It lifts me up to the Lord; this yard offers me. Even though I don't believe in the treasures he can supposedly give to me, this whole spirituality thing is nice even though I don't believe.
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Reviews
A few technical errors, but overall good. "sould" = "soul". Just a typo though, so it's fine. Every time you use "it's", it should be changed to "its". "Look into the darkest most hidden and raw of worlds there". This sentence is just awkward to read; maybe you could change it to something along the lines of, "Look into the darkest, rawest, and best hidden of worlds there". "...beauty and splendor concealed , ...let it be." This use of punctuation..all I can say is that it's SUPER WEIRD. Lol....
I can't really find anything wrong with this piece in accordance of grammar and structure... As I was reading, I thought, "Well this is horrible! This doesn't make sense at all! Too confusing for my taste!" But then I looked at the title again and remembered that it's called SCRAMBLE. And that's exactly what my mind was doing as I read this....so I laughed a bit. I don't know if that was what your motive was, but good job anyways. My favourite line is the very last one, so if you ever decide ...
HAH! Loved it. I hate to be crude in my review, but I absolutely love how your mad scientist just has a case of the "fuck its". The complete disregard for anything else but revenge...this isn't really something I would read, and I'm not too much into metal, but that's just me. I can honestly say that this is perfect for what it is.
I really like the way you used the word "dammed"; you never see that in poetry...however, when I re-read it it didn't quite make sense. I don't see how something can be dammed WITHIN something; don't dams just separate one thing from another? I dunno, I could be mistaken. And yes, I'm not a huge fan of the word "essence" in the second line either, but I have no clue what else to put there. But if I think of something I'll let you know :) Anyways, I really love this poem; just a few kinks here...
I really liked this because of its flow. I'm sure you get a lot of that so I'll explain: it's free verse and has a lot of beautiful wording and phrases, but it's not the cliche free verse and beautiful wording you usually see on this site. It kind of reminds me of my own writing style...if I was better. Props
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