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hockeyslife's profile
AGE:
18
LOC: Scottsdale, AZ
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 12
LOC: Scottsdale, AZ
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 12
I’m April, I’m 16. I’ve been writing stories and screenplays since I could write my name. Writing is my true passion. I hope to be a filmmaker when I “grow up.” I want to write & direct and inspire.
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I’m a published writer, I write and am an editor for a local magazine in my state. It’s good to get some professional experience behind me. I’ve also been interviewed by Phoenix Magazine.
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I want to publish a novel someday and have my screenplays produced. I’m always open to meeting new people on here.
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12 Days Till Sunset II: Unbalanced The world around her was dark. Jane sat up in her bed, drenched in sweat. She looked about her room for something to do. She could not sleep, she could not dream of that night again… Her eyelids were heavy with exhaustion, her face slick with moisture. How dare someone commit such a crime? She would find him and hunt him down. I will make his life Hell. The ringing in her ears hadn’t stopped for days now. The doctors had said that it would only last a week; ...
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Version 1
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I: How Easily Love Dies It was nearly dawn now. Jane Roberts rubbed her eyes sleepily. This was her dream job: editor of Falland’s city newspaper. But that didn’t make it any easier. She spotted mistake after mistake as she scanned the day’s paper, things she should have noticed last night before deadline. In a few hours she would be getting calls from the grammatically correct citizens of Falland, more content to find mistakes than to actually read what the paper offered. Jane didn’t blame t...
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I loved it. The imagery you used to describe what the narrator saw was chilling - I felt as though I was standing there. I think this h as potential and I believe it could be published. The image you leave in the reader's mind is terrifying and because of this, we can easily identify with your narrator's fear and paranoia. Well written, and I could find no obvious grammar mistakes. But that may be because I wasn't exactly looking for them.
Very good writing, indeed, although I must say that I don't agree with all of it. Not all corporate bookstore customers are like the ones you describe. I do, in fact, head for the shelves of challenging literature and classics and I buy them because I can have such a wonderful book in my possession and only my possession - free to read and enjoy over and over again. However, this is not to say that I don't understand the point you're making. I like the way you have written this piece: by givi...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I think you should continue. You've set up quite the story here. However, I don't think of this as a children's book. Your wording is far too complex for children. I'd say it should be put into Young Adult, in the 13-18 age range. I'd like to read more of this, as you have an interesting plot line so far and I believe that you can continue to establish more about your character and his background. The only thing that needs fixing is the grammar and punctuation of the piece, but all that can b...
In my opinion, the events in this piece were a little bit muddied. I really believe you should expand it a bit, more detail is always go. You did capture your main character well, but I'm still confused as to what exactly Peter is experiencing right now. More clarity in this department would be helpful. You did a great job of showing us rather than telling us what is happening, which is something difficult for most writers. I do like what you have here. The style is well done, but you should ...
Loved it. The theme you used and the repetition in your pattern and style made it as good as it was. I like the unique viewpoint you take on each thing, each time emphasizing that you want to be free. Your writing flowed nicely and your words were beautiful.
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