highlytoxic's profile

I can tell that this is prose changing into short story, but the transition isn't complete. Who are these characters? I would really like to know.

I liked this piece, it is true though, it shouldn't be under journalism. If this is simply intended for your thought book and not for wider publication, I have nothing else to say other than that you are a good writer and obviously have a grasp on what you are doing. If you wanted to go wide, I would say try to make it a little more accessible, but I am certain that would ruin the piece.

This is a very good profile, so good that I actually checked out The Adored and ended up buying the EP off iTunes, that is perhaps the biggest complement that anyone can make about a music review or profile (At one point I was doing these for a living - I am far too fickle for it though). I suggest taking another look at the first quarter of the story, it struggles to make reasons for you to continue reading, and draws it out for too long, a good short lead that captures the readers attention...

I liked the moral of the story, the writing is good spelling and grammar are all fine, but (of course a but was coming) it isn't until paragraph 3 that we find out why we are reading this story. You have to let your audience know where you are going with this right away, and the lead you have now isn't good enough at doing that and doesn't transition well into what you say next. I would suggest starting out with your third paragraph, the information above doesn't give you any more credibility...

Since the characters called themselves out on their own unlikely word choices and inhuman characteristics, it is hard to make an argument for why none of it fits. I would say that none of it sounds true to life, it is unlike any conversation real people would have in a coffee shop, and the characters calling themselves out on it feels even more unlikely, and more of an excuse for poor character writing than anything. I maybe missing a lot though, I know very little of these characters, nothin...