hazelfaern's profile

Good, but a little too talky. You've highlighted the rational, lucid connection between the drunken state of the addressed "you" in this poem and the snowfall, without really delving into the quality, juicy, memorable, poemy metaphor of that connection. For instance, "Snow falls/ a silent blanket/covering perception". I wish that line was telling me about numbness and gauzy haziness and misperception. "Covering perception" is a little too close to the language of prose. It would be really int...

Oh, I love that first one. The set-up of describing doubt before you reach the line which names it brings about a vivid "aha!" moment. I think it would be easier to read if you were to hyphenate those first two coupled phrases, which are really alternate names, for example: "Sleep-thief, soul-stealer.." The second senryu is good, but not quite as exceptional as the first, in that it doesn't seem to inform me of anything particularly surprising or insightful. Of course, if you were to place th...

That almost seems like a mean trick -- putting up a piece of writing without really letting your reader in on what you're describing. I feel as though you're talking over my head. As the poem is written, it'd be easy to interpret it as a poem about drinking. I can imagine the poem's narrator "Gripping the neck of cold glass", one hand on a beer bottle surrounded by strangers packed intimately close to each other, alcohol making the speaker slightly insensate. I especially like what this inter...

This is such a lovely, refreshing moment poem. It's not overdone, it's not forced, there's a wonderful very light, very subtle rythm that rolls through it, and yet there's also this palpable sense of something threatening on the peripherary, the dangerous rush of cars that illuminate the streets, the possiblility of being swallowed up by this frustrated, congested traffic, contrasted nicely with a little boy's impatience. There's something evocative to the point of feeling archetypal, here. I...