grand_peion has no favorites yet.
grand_peion's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Tahlequah, OK
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: February 02
LOC: Tahlequah, OK
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: February 02
This user has not yet uploaded an urbis user description/profile.
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
Chapter 1 Durick sat up gasping for breath as sweat poured from his body. It was the same nightmare he had been having for the past twelve years. His long black hair slapped against his face as he looked out of his room’s window. The bright sunlight assaulted his dark green eyes. Looking down at the crowded city streets of Hayat, Durick thought it was a miracle that the sun itself had not dimmed in such dark times. Over the past few years forces of great evil had spread across Telen, and prob...
Version 1
27 Reviews
0 Comments
Prologue Karch rose quietly from his bed taking great care not to wake his sleeping wife. As he had every day, he methodically prepared to start his daily chores. As he made his breakfast, a young boy, not much older than eight, scampered into the room. The farmer looked down at the sleepy-eyed boy with a hardy smile. The child reminded him of himself at that age, sometimes a little too much: curious, willing to work, and always getting into trouble. The child stumbled to the chair across fro...
[ View all items ]
Reviews
Tom suggests we go see Mr. Lincoln and we cross the grass toward the Reflecting Pool. My face is suddenly dripping with gnats and mosquitoes. A thick insect cloud fills my mouth and I inhale their tiny bodies with a muddy cough. (i would sugest you rework this sentence. it flows badly and just is too choppy) I say, we have to stir the waters. (if someone is saying this shouldnt it be in quotations) ok this is a very confuseing read and very hard to follow it has many flow problmes and needs t...
Deleted Item
ok first ill say that im not good at grammer so dont expect a whole lot of those tyoe of sugestions. but i still might mention a few things that catch my attention I seem to have grabbed the wrong crutch.” Nathin stated in shock. “You know these things all look alike.” i would suggest(I seem to have grabbed the wrong crutch,” Nathin stated in shock, “you know these things all look alike.” i believe thats gramatical correct) She crawled almost on top of him, but was mindful of his bruised ches...
Deleted Item
Removed
ok very intresting read and you did a great job makeing it relatable to today witch is very hard with this kind of story. your paragraphs are set apart very good and this makes it hard to read i would sugest you fix this bc i bet alot of people comment on it. it really does make a big diffrence. i really like how you started it was an easy pace and really worked well with the story. myself i wish i could help you on grammer but im not good in that area so im going to stick to content and cont...
great intro flowed perfectly the jump fromt eh second to thierd para is well choppy I could smell the metallic sweet blood on his breath (big flow prob here stoped me dead in mytracks) His speech still possessed the remnants of the Sumerian pronunciation of words(his speech still possessed the remnants of sumerian dilect) “Go to your bed and sleep” I commanded. (need a comma after sleep) ok over all a very well written pice alot of drama, intrigue, and visualtion. good charcter development, a...
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People







