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gilesward's profile
AGE:
42
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 14
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 14
My first novel 100 Ways To Improve The world has just been published… check out amazon or 100waystoimprovetheworld.co.uk for more info.
Look out for The Price of Everything to be published in 2008 and hope you enjoy The Dream Chair… finished but looking for tweaks and feedback, so please let me know what you think of it and whether you want to read some more…
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Version 1
12 Reviews
7 Comments
1 Orange Juice With Bits In The boardroom on the fifty-third floor of the Zema Juice Corporation proves one thing, if no other; money can’t buy taste. The centre of the room is swamped by a vast swathe of glass supported high by two large gilt covered griffins, their wings spread out behind them. The old man at the far end of the table is perched like a vulture on the edge of his seat. He studies the cloned humourless faces that trim either side of the table and they shy away as though he mig...
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I like the title - in fact I think it fits perfectly. The premise for this short story is excellent - I particularly like how you open with the use of the mirror to begin to unravel the relationship between father and daughter. However, I can't help feeling you're revealing a little too much a little too quickly, and a little too obviously. This is an emotionally charged story full of complicated feelings and emotions and, as such, I think it could do with unravelling slower. You're trying to...
I know this isn't really for review, but I thought it would be helpful just to react with how I feel. I think you make some extremely valid points. The most relevant is the fact that the brain is just like any other muscle and needs excersing. The best writers have all spent ages honing their craft with 'excercise'. You wouldn't run a marathon without jogging a few (hundred) times. With practice, of course, raw taent will eventually come through - just my two pence worth...
Scans beautifully and rolls off the mind / tongue with ease. But did someone swallow a dictionary? Unfortunately the over use of rarely touched words renders the imagery a touch forced and incredible. Shame as otherwise I really like the style...
I have to be honest and say that really this lyric comes across as rather formulaic. The walking in a park analogy is perhaps a little obvious. Beyond that though there are some nice touches - I couldn’t be anymore psyched / Cause there’s just nothing like - that hints at potential. Other than that I'm afraid bees buzzing / small kites /coloured flowers (what other kind are there?) all seem a bit storybook. Of course, that said, so mcu depends on the tune!! Could a postman whistle it?
This is obviously a very dark and sensitive subject... in some ways i wish you hadn't told us what it was about first. Although it's all a little too literal - I could see it working well with a little more mystery and build up, letting the reader learn the horrible truth for themselves (much like the child in the poem has had to). Hope this helps...
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