garfocus's profile

Well done. A bit direct perhaps, but honorably meant. I think I would skip the punctuation, including the parentheses. The only confusion I had was with "who was quickly replaced". Are we talking about mama? Or Gates? or both? Like the poem, very entertaining.

The story and the character of Abdi were very well formed. In other words, the bones are very good. There are some issues which cause a great deal of confusion. First, the story get off to a very slow start because the setting is not clear, the narrator is not described, and there is a great deal of terminology which I was not familiar with. Sasha, Alison and Mac are interesting characters but insufficiently developed. They are one dimensional but the one dimension is captivating enough to ma...

The lack of paragraphs is a little disconcerting. The beginning lacks some imperative description. There are more questions than answers. Is this a man or a woman? What is the significance of this obviously historical home? Who lives there? Why on earth is this person burying a snake? Any of this information might help to connect a reader to the story. These facts would also help to add to the curiosity of the reader and the mystique of the object. The end is obviously abrupt. I guess that wa...

I guess I would like to see this a little cleaner before I comment on content. Ths first line is awkward. A sword doesn't crash. Slash? Bash? "From thy heart, that thralls me every moment's pang?" this again is awkward. Should it be "my every moment's pang" I had a little difficulty with the use of thralls as a verb here. What are you trying to say? "Why thy kisses, kiss me not?" Is the comma necessary? Are you looking for a pause in the reading here? Careful with old English usage. This is c...