flashboredom's profile

Promising and brief. Beware of the first person story. On one hand, it can open up a lot of possibilities and gets you personal with the character. On the other hand, it can trap you in that same perspective. The italicized intro is confusing, as "she" is driving and in the sudden switch to first person, she (the same or a different she?) is walking. Mystery is good, but too much mystery can be confusing. More detail is key. I would say that more details overall is a good idea. More of the se...

Nicely blended and flowing. It captures the varied yet clear desire for people who want all.

I really like the imagery of the first line. The idea of someone's closed eyes blinding the other person, because of course the eyes are the windows to the soul, and the speaker in the first line is closing his/her soul to you. I would like to see a stronger line than "Fake and deceiving at best." The first two lines of that stanza are great, but I feel like it needs a different last line. I feel the same at the end of the bloody heart stanza. I want to see more of your strength and defiance ...

First, I really enjoyed the story. I think you did an excellent job of capturing the youthful mindset of the narrator and his friend, and the description of the RCA dogs helps to put it back in a certain time era. Now for the technical critique: You overuse the apostrophe. "Rodney's" and "Helen's" are the only two words where you use the possessive apostrophe s. I didn't see where any other words with an apostrophe were either possessive or were a contraction os the word "is." It's a minor te...

Fascinating concept. The way you approach it, with the multiple first-person narratives is interesting. I was a little lost throughout, though, because of my lack of knowledge in the spirit realm. You're very readable and aside from my wanting the dialogue separated from the paragraphs, your punctuation and structure is excellent. Purely my own opinion, which you're welcome to follow or not of course, but the problems I did have as a reader I felt could be resolved by switching to a third-per...