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firstdown's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Denton, TX
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 17
LOC: Denton, TX
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 17
I have recently switched from a Psychology major to an English major and I’m mostly here because I’m interested in feedback. I write a little bit of everything, focusing mostly on poetry and short stories, and I just completed a 25,000 word novella. It’s the longest thing I’ve ever written and I’m quite proud of myself for getting through it.
Generally, my influences are my own life and those around me as well as whatever I happen to be reading at the time.
Candid feedback is appreciated but if you’re going to tell me something sucks, I’d appreciate it if you can at least tell me why you think it does. Simply saying something is ‘bad’ doesn’t really help an author with much of anything!
Cheers!
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Do you remember those days when we felt so much older and we had stopped trying to understand things such as love and the like and we would sit on the back porch watching the dogs play and talking about the war like it was a million miles away because it might as well have been for all the peace we found in our place. I feel so much younger now. You used to be everything to me. Do you remember those days?
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It's different being at the zoo when you're older. You have a better understanding of life and conditions and the illusion of freedom and the faking of well-being. The largest of the gorillas posed for our pictures. The elephants threw dust on their great, broad backs. The giraffes stretched their necks up to leafy branches. The snakes lay behind glass looking bored or lazy or dead. I wondered if anyone ever checked on them, going around poking to make sure they're okay. That would be a good ...
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It took me years to undress you but when I finally did, it felt like seeing colors for the first time and I began to live as if everything happens only once and when I lost you somewhere between a heart beat and a lifetime, I discovered a feeling like a hundred shades of silence until I realized that I missed the idea more than I actually missed you.
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It seems a bit long as a flash fiction piece but it would be great as a short story, especially if you're planning to add to it. Kind of has a futuristic 'Sex and the City' vibe, for me. The description of Prota is quite lovely and really adds a lot. Perhaps adding descriptions of the other characters, especially the main woman, would help. The 'Oh baby....Oh baby, yeah!' part seems a little cheesy to me but if that's what you're going for, more power to you! Overall, a nice little read! And ...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
The ending was a bit of a surprise but a nice one. I like how you set the scene by having the character speaking in the way that she does - it really gives a description of her without having to get into the actual descriptive words.
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