firefey's profile
AGE:
28
LOC: Lake Forest, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 22
LOC: Lake Forest, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 22
well, i’m here so i must be a writer. or something like that. mainly i write and read speculative fiction (sci-fi, fantasy, alt history, ect.). right now i’m trying to finninsh my first novel, sympathy for the devil. please, be brutal in your riviews. if something doesn’t work for you, say so. and tell me why, and if you have a sugestion for how to fixt it, give me that too.
as far as the other stuff goes, i like rpg’s, renaissance faires, club hopping and satanic ritual. well, maybe not that last one.
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18 Reviews
8 Comments
PROLOGUE: Meet and Greet “In the beginning darkness, silence, nothing. Eternity stretched out its cold, perfect void before us, and we ruled. We did not know evil, we did not know good. Inchoate we floated in our own minds, yet knew each other and interacted therein. We grew, strengthened through our contact. “For us, time meant nothing, and so we did not notice the subtle changes in our environment as time progressed. Then Light came violently into our beloved void, burning many of us in tha...
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Chapter 6: Into the Light At first it was one or two, always in secret, in the dead of night. But then, it was always night in the abyss. I felt them come into the cavern where I lay, I smelled them over the sulfur and raw earth. Here a gentle flower, there the sharpness of spice, and then ozone crackling in the darkness. Some would whisper to me. I heard them far away, but could not make out the words. I didn’t care what they said. Adoration, comfort, promises of further torments, I don’t kn...
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Version 1
6 Reviews
3 Comments
CAPTER 5: That Sudden Stop I sat atop a hill with my back to a tree, feeling the rough bark digging into my newly solid flesh, pushing the recent memory of pain from my thoughts. The fact that I would not be allowed to come home still had no meaning; I did not yet miss the ever present touch of my Father. For now, there was only the miracle of the tree and the feel of it at my back. In my hands I held my deception, my expulsion. The single grain of praise I had kept for myself glowed faintly ...
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Version 1
9 Reviews
3 Comments
CHAPTER 4: Deception Home again, and this time I felt the old ease of familiar places. Gone the thoughts that tormented my previous sojourn. The light seemed brighter, the singing of my siblings sweeter, and I welcomed the thought of performing my latest song for God. I ascended into heaven taking note how the lesser angels parted before me, bowing their heads in respect. I walked by, not looking directly at any of them, peeking from the hair that fell in my face. To my great embarrassment, w...
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Version 1
8 Reviews
1 Comment
CHAPTER 3: Aftermath Uriel was waiting for me when I returned from the garden. He stood at the gates softly illuminated by his own light. Always he shone thus, the light of truth radiating from within him, and our encounters left me uneasy and cold. “Brother,‿ I said, nodding in his direction, hoping to pass without having to speak. “Lucifer, you are changed. Why?‿ His words gave me pause, for although he never used flowered speech, he was rarely this direct. “I do not understand your questio...
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there are moments where your prose is fresh and moments where it is akward or cliche. your opening lines talk about a clear sky with clouds in it. if there are clouds, no matter how few, the sky is not clear. "’Twas no one who paid mind ..." this is an akward begining to a really great sentance. the beginning of this pices is sutably melodramatice, but this borders on the archaic, and breaks with the neo-gothic style of the rest of the piece. "at the very furthest end of the village edge...."...
yes, this pulled me in, although i'm wondering where this is going. but i would keep reading it.
the little bit of fluff at the beginning is extranious and unnesessary. you are going to spin this world out for me in your storytelling. not blatently hitting me over the head with it at the very beginning. watch your tence (passive!!) and tag lines. "this was accompanied..." too many words. you could just say the girls giggled from their tent. i get that brand is the older brother, but you need to make it clear that it's the kid sister and two friends much sooner. otherwise it sounds like s...
this comes together much more cohisivly. you've managed to cut much of the prosaic tone in the expositional passages, and you're dialogue is thus given more focus. which is good, since that seems to be where you excel. so, good editing job.
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