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fearofdreaming's profile
AGE:
29
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 15
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 15
I have a been a poet all my life. for may years my life was poetry and preforming. I became disenchanted with the page and the stage. I have found my way back, at least to the page, for now.
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Version 1
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His fingers grasp the waist band, nail beds turn white--building pressure. The silence is broken by the snap of fabric as his trousers get yanked up. White lines in his brow mimic his nails pallor; Jacob is growing angrier by the second. "Is she getting ready?" he spits. "I don't know," Nora replies "I'll go check." She pads down the hall, the soles of her stockings attracting carpet lint and twisting taught around her big toe, threatening to break throug...
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
I challenged God to a duel at 13, counted 10 spaces, swallowed 27 pills and lost. I am still alive. Now, I stare at the bleach perfect wall behind her head as she is telling her story. "I went to see Thelma and Louise on my weekend pass" the corners of the walls begin to furl, as the room folds in. "there were no rape scenes in the previews", she says "they should have warned people". Sheet rock and plaster slide from the studs and arch overhead like a prima ballerina's arm bending, elbow str...
Version 1
1 Review
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Life science I break every moment down to it’s smallest part-- to nothing more than molecules and atoms, because discerning the difference between apathy and propriety requires some kind of scientific method. So I shred each interlude down to the particle for the answer. When your long thin fingers press the pliable flesh of my arm, the acids and oils simultaneously stinging and soothing in symbiosis. This is a connection isn’t it? I should bust out the chemistry set I got from my parents...
Version 1
1 Review
1 Comment
It was a moment, or several pasted together. Months of flitting glances and comfortable carresses became realized in the artistry of movement when I was beneath you. A collage of touches trailed fingernails across vertebrae dipped between puckered flesh kissed me like leaves dance, like tree limbs sway in strong winds. Fingers curled in my hair twisting and tugging. Lips soft like soap bubbles balanced on your palm press my nape, I float. A pinky traced my temple stealing shavings of my cells...
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This needs to be expanded upon to really be able critique properly. There really is nothing to grab on to, no imagery, symbolism, metaphor. It's as lean as Mr. Wilson is. Also if you are going to have such a short poem you really shouldn't reuse words unless it's purposeful you use "mean" twice. And don't force the rhyme with lines like "women he thrills" it's awkward.
0.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I really enjoyed this, you have a very good grasp of language and your similes never seemed forced to me.
This would be very good as a opening for a dystopian short story. Your use of description is very strong I just think you need to string the images together with more concrete ideas.
0.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I see quite a few problems here, first S2L4 it should be "I've" not I. Then the list of adjetives that you've used are way too broad, not concrete enough and also honestly cliche. We have all felt this way I want to know why YOU feel this way. Show me more, tell me less. Also the rhyme felt forced to me at times. I play this little game when I read a rhyming poem I try to see if I can guess what the completing word will be, if I can guess the word it's no good. Honestly I guessed the word, mo...
Very well done, the structure is dead on. The use allegory in the rhythm of the writing to the subject matter is nearly perfect. It seems to start to fall apart a little around S5L5 through S6L4, the flow seemed to break there a bit with the lack of rhyme on that last line of S5. Overall the quality is there and it is technically excellent, I guess what is holding me back from giving it a higher score it that while I appreciate the technique it failed to move me overall. This is my first revi...
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