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ellefie's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 27
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 27
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Version 1
17 Reviews
4 Comments
When I was a little girl of nine years old, my mother nearly took away my sanctuary. I had been given the attic as my own as far back as I could remember because my mother had wanted me to have my own den where I could do as I please. It perhaps seems somewhat irresponsible to allow a child such an extravagance. After all, the Banks’ next door, in the row of townhouses where we lived near Hyde Park, had their attic as Mr Banks’ study. To the other side – the Anderson’s house – they used the ...
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I don't think your tense works with the descriptive nature of other passages. For example "I was running" in: "The murmuring of the crowd, the efforts of the firefighters, dwindled away. I was running." completely alters the tone of the piece and makes it sound clumsy and simple-minded. It doesn't fit the same tone of the piece that was suggested in your opening line, or what is suggested throughout with your more loquacious descriptions. The opening line hooks the attention - it is a great o...
Structure works well, as does the duality of the poem. In "And which one am I?" - I think it sounds better without the opening "And". Likewise if you remove "as well" in "I am Prey as well" - it would make it sound punchier. The ending works well; it draws in the rest of the poem. Nicely done.
You emulate the voice of SS well. The voice sounds confident at the beginning, like the viewer of the Snowman really believes the Snowman won't fall. I think it's important you get that sense of an adamant/naive belief, given the ending! I like the sense of joviality created from inserting "HA!" in the third line. It fits in well, as does keeping "Oh shit," as a short line, to stress the sense of drama approaching. Enjoyable.
Catchy and interesting message. Certianly not a topic I would have dreamt up for a limerick, but it works well! I like the suggestion that having children removes free will, and the use of "cancer" in the second line highlights the power of greed.
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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