dukelemoyne's profile
AGE:
48
LOC: Camp Hill, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 10
LOC: Camp Hill, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 10
Like a few of the people I’ve met in the short time I’ve been with Urbis, I write all the time, but I rarely finish.
I’ve had a couple of short stories printed in quarterlies, with one anthologized, but I can’t look at them without wanting to go back and fix something. It’s hard to kick them out of the nest, you know.
I appreciate the reviewers at Urbis. They gave me great feedback on the first story I submitted, with a lot of encouragement and some insightful suggestions. And the work I’ve gotten to read and review has been a treat, as well. A variety of writing at all skill levels.
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Version 1
33 Reviews
16 Comments
MOON AND JUNIPER INT DECO ARTS HOTEL, SUITE 23A - NIGHT It’s New Year’s Eve, 1939. Deirdre, feeling misty after drinking her share of midnight cheer, sways about the room, humming a broken tune that's supposed to be "Someone to Watch Over Me." Using her martini glass as a dancing partner, she spills not a drop. She glides over to Walter, whose witty good nature has come to the fore. Though he’s enjoyed a few Scotches that evening, he is in command of his senses, and he easily catches her as s...
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“...her legs were as long as a cooling drink and twice as refreshing.” This line alone is worth the price of admission. You have a good grasp of your characters, and can move them along as real people. You just have to take care with your language. A lot of spelling and punctuation gaffes. Sloppy text adversely affects your intended meaning and is off-putting to the reader. Use word processor check programs, your eyes and your voice to test the strength of your sentences. “And yet, despite th...
Oh, my God, what a harrowing story. You write beautifully. The neighborhood and all the scene locations were well-rendered and easily visualized. The dialogue flowed naturally. The emotions, from playfulness to post-rape trauma, come to life on the page. Corrections? A few spelling and punctuation gaffes, typos really. Publish this! Thanks for a heart-breaking but lovely read. Good luck to you.
"Swishing her stubbly legs" -- first I thought she was in a tub. I picture her as a voluptuous, if not large, woman, and I can't see her legs "swishing." Perhaps another word. "Sticking to her doughy bosoms"-- I assume you mean the dress fabric is sticking to her, but the phrasing is awkward. Sounds like SHE is sticking... "her salty palms along the nape of my neck"--the image isn't clear. Are they salty in taste? How is he tasting them from his neck? Are they covered in salt like pretzels? L...
"...so much cartilage..."-- "So much" reads like a stylistic contrivance; it doesn't add anything to the sentence. Just say "cartilage." "tacky" fans-- How are they tacky? I know it's flash ficton, but tell us at least one awful thing about them; then let us figure out that they're tacky. "fake, steel teeth"-- sounds rather rendundant. How about "steel dentures"? Thanks for the read. Feels like John Updike meets Harlan Ellison.
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