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djaden06's profile
AGE:
23
LOC: Caledonia, NY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 05
LOC: Caledonia, NY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 05
My name is Antonea. I write under the pseudonym Desaraye Jaden. I love writing, but suffer like most, under the illusion that my work is perfect and needs no fixing or criticism. So when you review find my weak points, expose them to me, and I will fix them. It’s humbling and a necessary evil. I write mostly from personal experience, like a lot of writers. It’s healing for me. Please don’t ask personal questions about my life or where I get inspiration from. If I want you to know I will tell you. Sometimes the author doesn’t want the reader to know everything, you know.
EDIT: Just so you know, people that preach “You can’t write like this! It’s not how its done! When I stands alone it needs to be capitalized?” I’m sorry, I didn’t reali…
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Version 1
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i wrote this on sept. 11th. i was too lazy to post until now. suck it. i am waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in as i spend mind numbing minutes watching lackluster porn performances on the internet. the size of their actual assflesh versus that of their assholes puzzles me. do they have to squeeze to evacuate their bowels? does the constant ramming of cucumber sized schlongs affect the integrity of their anal sphincter? why is it that their assholes are so clean? do they never poop...
Version 1
41 Reviews
6 Comments
Breathing has become harder than expected. Not that I expected any of this, I guess I just handled it better up until now. It lurks, like an itch under the arch of my foot, or the annoying tingle of a clothing tag against the fine hairs of my neck. If I ignore it, surely it’ll go away, right? Right? I’ll learn to adjust or something. Yes, adjust. I suck at adjusting. After all, who can really be satisfied with the knowledge that they are one of the defective pieces that got sent back. And wh...
Version 2
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he could bury himself in her and disappear in her warmth and she would let him. she might pull his hair and bite his neck and he would understand. it would be beautiful and fiery and sad how they would hold each other. he would apologize afterwards for letting go and she would hate him. she could close her eyes and her star-clumped lashes would hold tears he wouldn't see their bodies will dry but the scent would linger the space between bodies will cool.
Version 1
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we made love like two souls reunited after lifetimes apart. we had different faces and names but our bodies recognized each other. His mouth lay claim over the valley between my hips. My hands mapped and explored his thighs, the muscles that clenched and shifted under my touch. the pace was frantic, we were selfish. He pinned me time and again, twisting my wrists so I was helpless, lifting orgasms from my depths until I crumbled. At my heights, he moved in me until I writhed and clawed. I dre...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
he could bury himself in her and disappear in her warmth and she would let him. she could close her eyes and her star-clumped lashes would hold tears he wouldn't see. it would be beautiful and fiery and sad how they would hold each other. he would apologize afterwards for letting go and she would hate him. she might pull his hair and bite his neck and he would understand. their bodies will dry but the scent would linger the space between bodies will cool. it is not important to let one's self...
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very clever. funny, concise, well written. love the bursts of humor. good dialogue between characters.
0.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I like the story, it's very innocent and reminds me of being young. However, the language you use to convey that he's four years old isn't believable. What four year old says "in the interest of establishing communications"? That's the only reason you lost my interest, because you presented the story as if it was from a four year old's point of view, then you talked like a grown-up.
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sometimes i prefer details rather than dialogue. sometimes dialogue chokes whats going on, and i feel like i'm reading a script. overall i wasn't too impressed. i think your descriptions are amateur at best, you have too many run-on sentences. i don't know, it could be better if you work on cleaning it up a lot. things like this stood out. "They arrived at 39 Pinewood, a house they had both been to before, to treat Alfred Johnson, an EMS regular. " obviously they've been there before, if he's...
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