"...did the emergency stop... though somebody throws me back.... I looked into the mirror." Up to this point the grammatical allowances you have taken work. The staccatto delivery allows it. But the tense-shift here is jarring. Need to recast. "Wow! There I saw .... I felt that my heart is made ....Oh la la! What a smile!" Same tense issue, but the in-the-moment dialogue is great and fun to read. This is good. I'm wondering if English is a second language. It feels that way due to some of yo...

I think you may want to consider dividing the opening sentence into two. "In the years gone by and lost, I’ve found myself at crossroads. Over and over, but still pushing forward, even when the world did not want me to push." Excuse the line reading, but as it stands there is too much information for the reader to digest. "and lost" is the pivotal emotion. It disappears when trying to take in the balance of the longer sentence. "...bit resourceful. Though, time and time again... Either put a ...

Nice level of diction. I got that a poet was at work but did not comprehend much upon first reading. You established a certain tension and authority so I read it again. Its a nice puzzle, upon each reading I get more. I do question your use of semi-colons. For that matter, all the punctuation is suspect. Probably flat out wrong, but the phrasing is there and it works. Only image that gave me trouble was "lighting a spark". Which came first, the spark or the light? Last two line are excellent.

Nice theme, excellent linear development and a solid emotional payoff. You establish yourself well in the opening lines so the reader wants to concentrate on what follows. I also enjoyed the punctuation, you did a good job in training the reader's ear and when I read it a second time I noticed that some of the commas were unnecessary, but needed during that first read. The comma in line 4 is an example. The punctuation in the second stanza is exceptional. I'm not sure about the semi-colon at...

“I am that person that [who] will …” “It is a normal thing to ……… all have abandoned me.” Watch your repetition of words. “me” in this sentence got to be grating. You can recast and sound much better to the reader’s ear. “It is a normal thing now, when I speak to the darkness surrounding me, when all have abandoned. This is but one example and there are others. I know it sounds trite but read this out loud in the mirror and see how many instances you discover. “I see my family member[s]…. “T...

Curious to know what the format issue was. This is quite good for the type. You manage to keep the reader engaged and the last line, for me, was unexpected. We've been having a debate in the Forums over what and what is not a prologue. I'm old school and this is a first chapter as far as I am concerned. Nothing wrong with that. It sets up well, maintains the tension, and hangs over the cliff at the end like a good story should. I thought you worked in the mother issue well without getting mel...

Not bad. Without the commas it's Yogi Berra funny. With the commas it takes on a more serious tone. Either way fun. And quotable.

It does read like a list of private hells and horrors. As poetry, I think it fails. While you clearly have a respectable command of the language you did nothing to let the reader in, nothing to construct a relationship between you, your hell and the individual observing. Some of the images are nice, but where are they leading? "Dethroned Waiting Room Scribble" would be a better title. There is no emotional payoff, no sense of really touching the poet or being touched, essential things in a po...

Hey Matt, Nice blog. Easy style and conversational tone while staying focused and providing some decent arguments to support your premise. The only bump I saw was when relating the mad Max scene you wrote: "Max explains ...... wants to live." The words are all there but the punctuation tripped me up. Suggestion: "Max explains ... the steel, so he’d better ... his ankle (Max assures him) if he wants to live." Just a thought. I didn't like Saw either.

In the opening paragraph you throw out several metaphors. We've got a map, then a grid, then strands of DNA, and finally disease that you break into pathology and pathogens. One of the essential things you must do in this first paragraph (any first paragraph)is secure the trust of the reader. Instead of feeling anchored I felt scattered after reading. I like the tone of your writing, you've got a solid grasp of style, but may I suggest you choose one of these metaphors and focus in on it, all...