AGE:
56
LOC: Phoenixville, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 07
LOC: Phoenixville, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 07
Semi-retired, building wooden boats and writing. I am on this site to get specific feedback on work in progress. I review others assuming they want to get published. Sometmes that may come across as harsh, so my apologies in advance, but I want you to be a better writer.
If you ended up here because I refunded you, please take a look at your side before getting nasty. I rarely refund.
Items
Version 1
6 Reviews
7 Comments
It had been raining all morning. Water fell down the sand-blasted red brick facades and burst from the tops of clogged copper downspouts. It pooled where masons had misplaced their levels, rushed in rapids toward heavy, cast-iron grates. Less than a year before the street had been part of a burned out neighborhood, a patchwork of vacant lots and fallen down houses, gangs on the corner, burned out cars, but now it was picture perfect, nineteenth century, a place to eat and drink and shop...
Version 2
2 Reviews
10 Comments
It had been raining all morning. Water fell down the sand-blasted red brick building facades and burst from the tops of clogged copper downspouts. It pooled where masons had misplaced their levels, rushed in rapids toward heavy, cast iron grates. The rain was washing the city clean of winter. They had gone shopping down along Newberry Street for things to furnish the apartment. People had on their Patagonia rain gear with hoods pulled tight. Others walked under huge umbrellas, black and red a...
Version 1
3 Reviews
13 Comments
It had been raining all morning. Water fell down the sand-blasted brick facades and burst from the tops of clogged copper downspouts. It pooled where masons had misplaced their levels, rushed in rapids toward heavy, cast iron grates. The rain was washing the city clean of winter. They had gone shopping down along Newberry Street for things to furnish the apartment. People had on Patagonia parkas with their hoods pulled over and others walked under huge umbrellas, red and green against t...
Version 1
1 Review
2 Comments
Every night she slept alone, but she was used to that. In fact, she didn’t really mind at all. She never felt alone. She had many friends, and she wasn’t afraid of being called an old maid or even taken pity on by the other women at church. What did they know? “We all have our little roles to play,” she said each morning, a kind of mantra, whether standing in front of the bathroom sink or over in front of the mirror by her dressing table. It was something her father u...
Version 5
8 Reviews
6 Comments
She looked surprisingly healthy, sitting at a table in back, a salad and glass of ice tea in front of her. He assumed it was tea. During one of their chats she had said that she drank her weight in bourbon each week; that once she had gone a whole month without bathing. She had said all kinds of things, wild things, and there was never any way of knowing what was true, or whether it was only true for that day, or that hour. The restaurant was one of those neighborhood joints, Italian; with a ...
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Reviews
In the opening paragraph you throw out several metaphors. We've got a map, then a grid, then strands of DNA, and finally disease that you break into pathology and pathogens. One of the essential things you must do in this first paragraph (any first paragraph)is secure the trust of the reader. Instead of feeling anchored I felt scattered after reading. I like the tone of your writing, you've got a solid grasp of style, but may I suggest you choose one of these metaphors and focus in on it, all...
Hey Matt, Nice blog. Easy style and conversational tone while staying focused and providing some decent arguments to support your premise. The only bump I saw was when relating the mad Max scene you wrote: "Max explains ...... wants to live." The words are all there but the punctuation tripped me up. Suggestion: "Max explains ... the steel, so he’d better ... his ankle (Max assures him) if he wants to live." Just a thought. I didn't like Saw either.
It does read like a list of private hells and horrors. As poetry, I think it fails. While you clearly have a respectable command of the language you did nothing to let the reader in, nothing to construct a relationship between you, your hell and the individual observing. Some of the images are nice, but where are they leading? "Dethroned Waiting Room Scribble" would be a better title. There is no emotional payoff, no sense of really touching the poet or being touched, essential things in a po...
Not bad. Without the commas it's Yogi Berra funny. With the commas it takes on a more serious tone. Either way fun. And quotable.
Curious to know what the format issue was. This is quite good for the type. You manage to keep the reader engaged and the last line, for me, was unexpected. We've been having a debate in the Forums over what and what is not a prologue. I'm old school and this is a first chapter as far as I am concerned. Nothing wrong with that. It sets up well, maintains the tension, and hangs over the cliff at the end like a good story should. I thought you worked in the mother issue well without getting mel...
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