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dejong's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: SF, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 21
LOC: SF, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 21
NotKeepingScore [dot] com
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Version 3
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inspiration! discipline... {patience} -O! mercy- remorse.
Version 1
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The sky is turning. I smell humidity rise emerge from thin streets of the village Motorbikes and cars horns pop in all directions Fireworks of motorcycles Sweat begins to drip along my upper lip between my breasts The road curves sharply rises West Lake spreads like warm honey before me In Ha Noi everything is compact cramped intense but when i ride to the broad expanse through tree-lined streets of the lake everything opens The lake bloated from recent afternoon rains rises licks my toes wit...
Version 1
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Back from travel sun-sitting hotly drinking tea along Petaluma river old ladies in straw hats and gray-haired men who’ve found second youth in bike riding drinking coffee (muscles are controlled passion) their mean lime spandex leotards bragging about “the last sprint across Spring Hill – wild.” I: 26 “retired” smile to spend morning drink lemon hibiscus hovering over crisp pages Marcus Aurelius’ suggestions for Stoic living one glove, bike shorts – back in, you know? special Specialized tshi...
Version 1
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something on the cusp of your tightly woven semantics remind me of letters boys in grade school who liked me used to write – thick, heavy syrup-words dripping naive tension, sex – surfacing as giddy laughter-bubbles in the throat, which stuck, come almost to choking as too much gum would do –pop instead. yours are much dryer, though; not loose, nor flimsy, nor sloppy, but stiffly knit – which is new. which i like.
Version 1
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Lucky You (Abandoned in the Kitchen) The dishes were naughty Old fruit. juice. flies restless Nothing, was decorating the counter naked hum of the ice box cooing The garbage needed to be taken out. “More laziness” plums placed as an offering ( delicately there ) Forgotten. ( O sweetly ) Rotted. Flowers bent and soggy The head of household Suspicious Easing into bites just wetted a magnificent scandal erupted. the pommegranets to the potatoes: shut yer eyes we tried to keep it in the kitchen u...
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I like this. It speaks on two levels -- both the sense of a lack of knowing oneself amidst being a wife and mother ("who am I?", as well as introducing sarcasm (as if the question "but who am I?"is short for "but who am I to think I'm anything special beyond "just" being wife and mother (the notion in this culture that you are only relevant if you have a "successful" job, etc.) It all hinges on that "but"- Well done.
Typically I would say the rhyme-scheme detracts here, as it feels a little forced -- but perhaps that's that point; perhaps you are using it as a technique to express to the reader what the "wall that surrounds you" feels like. My general feedback is try avoiding "telling" language (rather than "showing"), i.e. "my thoughts wallow in self-pity" just tells us of what your thoughts are composed, rather than _showing_ us these self-pitying thoughts, or how it feels to be drowning in this pool of...
Hi there, Your first line is nice - "bolt" and "wallop" have a lot of energy, and the unnamed subject and image in that first line draw the reader in. I like the following second line; I would recommend taking out the word "angled", just from a rhythmic consideration. I am never fond of using the word "blood" or image of "dark blood" in a poem, unless you have to, only because it borders on cliche or melodrama. Is there another way to describe this image? Or maybe consider juxtaposing "blood"...
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