decislav's profile

hello, i will critique as i read. you have an interesting title. attracts attention. good kurt cobain quote, but not sure about the poetry, loses some identity - i would lose it. correction to make - "moses would have like to think..." change to "have liked/would like to think" in third sentence of that paragraph there seems to be past/present tense continuity issue, breaks flow. "moses has cut his teeth... he IS after all..." keep consistant. some of the the language seems clumsy - such as "...

good, snappy start. very slick and confident opening, this illustrates a strong voice and a flowing talent. some very nice imagery and original turn of phrase. this is really good. strong sentiment and a raw kind of integrity. keep going.

realism dialogue is encouraging. also, there is some nice originality of though in here - such as the pickles bit which came from nowhere, but was funny. i like it. the charactor's voices are believable and clearly different. good start, now work on where this is going. and get it there. great to see from a 15 year old.

* 14th line - IN her palms -only typo i spotted. * this is a decent start. grammatically okay and interesting enough to read on. but next something has to happen to make this more than just a love-triangle type deal. * when you say story = do you mean short-story or novel? if it's a short story then i would advise sexing this opening up a little, if a novel then you need strong ideas to carry the charactors through a stronger plot than outlined here. * you can write, now you need to get creat...

i enjoyed the read and the conveyence of thought, you have talent, this piece is nice to read, i liked the format, you had original purpose and a confidence with words. good luck.