This is good. Familiar. I only have a couple suggestions: I noticed you go back and forth between present and past tense. For example: "now I understood". It should be "now I understand" or "then I understood". The first two or three pages, I thought the prince was a woman. I think its because of the description of him and the use of the word "beautiful". Only thing that really made me think was the fact that the only way for him to turn human again is to love, but ironically, love is sorta w...

i think it would be interested if you gave "the government" a name. maybe its the mayor or someone who is avoiding a confrentation with the vbn's. it would just be nice to put a face to it. the little girl in wren's building made me laugh. definitely realistic. i really really like this. when i was done reading the last page, i was looking for the "next page" button and got kinda upset when i couldnt find it :-). again, i would say these chapters could be just one chapter. is arlyn also a vbn...

Ahh they killed her! Good chapter but I do have a few gripes. First, the fight scene was too quick. I expected some real action after reading all that lead up to it. Isn't killing arlyn a big deal? I would have liked to see you slow this down a little more, have arlyn and the other vbn's put up more of a fight. After watching arlyn die, what do the vbn's do? Don't like worship her or something? What happened to the two that dodged the dumpster? Also, how did bram feel once he killed her? Afte...

The first paragraph got me. Wow, that was an amazing hook, seriously. There's no way anyone could read this and not want to read more. Not only am I curious as to what happened and why the narrator hated him so much (you know, the obvious things someone would be curious about) but I'm also looking forward to getting to know the narrator. Man or woman? How old? Is he or she a good or bad person? Are his or hers readons for hating hutchins justifiable? Although hustchins must have been a bad pe...

I think I read a chapter after this one a while ago. After reading this one, I can make more sense of that one. I love how realistic your descriptions are. I would imagine the things you described and the way she felt are things people would really experience in her situation. The tranformation description was really good. Again, I could see it really happening like that. The giving birth to her reproductive organs was a great touch. I do wish, however, it would have stirred some emotion in h...

I know you said not to start here, but I couldn't help it. I loved this. This was soo realistic. Especially joe's point of view. His conflict between ruth and red is something a lot of people, men and women, can relate to. He doesn't love her anymore (or does he?) But he doesn't want to hurt her either. Very realistic. While he talked a lot about what was going on between he and his girlfirend, though, I wondered what was going on between red and her boyfriend that you mentioned. Maybe you ex...

This is such a great love story. Especially the whole ruth twist. It adds something to the story. I want to say a bit of drama, but not quite. Its just something real, something that can challenge and even end a relationship. I love to read how you two got through it. The fact that the story is true makes it even better. I feel sorry for ruth. She really got the short end of the stick in the story. However, I feel it was partly her fault that joe had to break the news to her the way he did. W...

The dialogue at the very beginning is good, but I would consider rewording a bit. For example, instead of saying (and I'm just making this up of course) "I'll be there in ten minutes," I said, grabbing my coat. "Okay, I'll be ready," she promised, her voice full of excitment. "Make sure you wear a coat," I said, stepping outside into the cold weather. "I don't want to," she replied, sucking her teeth. You can say.. "I'll be there in ten minutes," I said, grabbing my coat. Her voice full of ex...

The beginning didn't keep my attention. It could be because I didn't read the first book, but as the first chapter of a novel, I expected it to start with something exciting or engaging. The beginning of this a lot of back story. Although this is a sequal, being that its a new book I would suggest catching the reader up on what happened before. I don't mean give pages of back story or a full on synopsis of the last book, but maybe offer clues through dialogue and such. Maybe you could give a ...

I usually focus more on content than things like spelling and grammar and typos but since this is coming up on your final draft, I figured i'd point the small things out, too. "Tate and are experts at crab hunting" should be Tate and I. The g in God should be captalized. I was able to picture exactly what was happening when they sat to catch crabs. Very good description. "Tate got up to run toward the beach. But I pulled him back down..." should be one sentence. It would flow better. I love t...