death2thepelican's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: Garnerville, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 31
LOC: Garnerville, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 31
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Version 1
3 Reviews
1 Comment
The black car scrambled across a speed bump. It was weaving with alarming velocity through Sara’s suburban apartment complex. There were many speed bumps, alleviated only by small portions of in-between smoothness. Henry wiped the white powder from under his nose. The sun, setting, was scarlet and angry on his face. His eyes were bloodshot and wild as he bounced around a sharp corner, bopping again over a bump. Damn, that can’t be good for the suspension. The thought barely registered as he b...
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-Good second sentence. I want to keep reading. However I feel that the first sentence is a little to vague. First sentences are those things that hook a reader. When I read it I almost skipped those five words because I had no idea what they meant. Although, yes, the second and third sentences clarify, I feel that maybe the second can somehow become the first. Know what I mean? -It makes sense what happens. I think. I have a bright and colorful picture in my head. -You say "At first he sees i...
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