You overdo your descriptions... they do not sound believable... or perhaps they come off as overdone.

Huh?

This doesn't read like a poem to me... sorry.

"charity to recieve a free copy!" that's "receive"...

First thin that I noticed was your lack of a line break between paragraphs... When presenting your work on the Internet, you might want to consider inserting a line break between your paragraphs. It makes the pages much more readable and presentable. Don't take my word for it - try it and see.

Well, I may not know poetry (although I have written lyrics), but I do know what I like... Keep the ink flowing...

It was smooth... ut was there a point? (I get that all the time...=- ) But, with line: "(I’d never heard it before, or since.)" I'd go with italics instead of bold. Good job, though...

Where are you going with it?