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crimsonarchon's profile
AGE:
28
LOC: Clarksville, TN
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 30
LOC: Clarksville, TN
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 30
I am an erstwhile musician, a self-styled poet, an author of fiction short and long. A smith of word and song, a window for the heart and a mirror in which the soul’s reflection may be found. I am also full of shit. But that, my friends, is obvious.
One thing that’s certain is that I am supercool. Look at that bitchin bedhead in my photo ;-)
Items
Version 1
6 Reviews
0 Comments
When the light is perfect The whores all look so beautiful Drowning in the perfumed sea Of love and lust and everything Weak flowers bending in the breeze Their blood red petals, fragile, perched Upon such spare and delicate frames As pure as lovers without names Like voices born within our dreams Drawn from our fading memories Spread open just like centerfolds So innocent they seem to be But they are only what we wish And only then until we've had our fill And otherwise they have no place Sa...
Version 1
5 Reviews
0 Comments
Bold lies like paint spew from my lips To enrich the gilded canvas of the man you think I am And, though a glint of truth by chance may mingle with the mix, The essential self and soul of me you'll never understand For the naked id is hidden beneath woven tapestries Knit from dreams and fantasies of what you'd have me be
Version 1
6 Reviews
0 Comments
A tiny candle etches shadows From the space within the dark As shapeless wraiths, sans partners dance And hope to leave a mark On simple folk who contemplate Only the simplest things Who cherish the little candle Only for the light it brings Alas, the shadows, they must weep For they know they cannot remain Forever here, their tears dry quick But ever after leave a stain
Version 1
5 Reviews
0 Comments
For he who dwells ever in shadow any light will bring temptation And who can judge the man who grasps at the last Ray of sunlight in the dark Even knowing in his deepest heart that this solace is forbidden He must reach out and touch that which Appears to emulate salvation But if when the luminescence succumbs to his greedy infatuation It becomes itself the darkness in him, thence Shall the blame be cast And so, though shadow covers over all his eyes can see, The light must be left to pursue ...
Version 1
6 Reviews
0 Comments
She spoke and the words were tendrils of fire licking my ears Waves crashing upon the shore of my soul She was electricity racing through my fragile circuitry Humming and popping with all the vital energy of a god on speed The blood like a million bulls ran through my veins in liquid cadence As my heart pounded a tattoo, the drums of the damned In that instant, a realization dawned; I no longer belonged to myself I was hers and she was mine and our spirits were one to the other enslaved Empty...
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Reviews
There is some really good pacing in this story. There is enough description to keep me interested but not enough to stall the story or create a lull. The dialog is pretty good, it seems like what a couple of average everyday people would say. I don't care much for the first paragraph. It jumps around and is rather confusing, which makes it a poor choice for an opener. Everything else, I liked.
This is a pretty twisted little story. The last few lines there at the end made the whole thing for me. Work on the dialog though, please. I realize it's part of the character of Paul that he's a lecherous little fellow, but nobody is as obvious or uncouth as that. Tone it down a bit, perhaps a bit of double entendre rather than blatant male chauvinism? Just a suggestion. Otherwise I think this is quite a good story.
This story could have been fleshed out a great deal more. From start to finish it just seems rushed, like you are in a hurry to get to the finale. Speaking of the finale, a giant wolf hurling boulders seems outlandish even in the context of this story, let alone in real life. If the creature was a wolf-like biped with opposable thumbs you probably should have told us that at some point in the story. Be more descriptive in all things, the lead-in and especially the action. It feels too generic...
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