hi there, well i like the positive message this song gives, and it's true on top of that!..to make it a better song i think you may need to have the rhymes in each verse in the same place to make it more memorable and cathcy...i like the fact you actually used the title in your lyric..(you'd be surprise how many don't) after the 2nd verse your 3rd verse should be a short bridge to change the melody just a bit from the verses so the song doesn't have that redonedent sound..in general..i think ...

hi there, well i think this is a 6 word quote than a 9...which makes it even better..the shorter the sweeter..i think it makes sense..but a quote that is quickly picked up on..makes it more memorable and understandable..though vitreous is a orginal word used for being transparent..and sounds more educated..etc. in writing a story.etc...it'd be great but for simple..but catchy and orginal quotes..words that everyone knows flows and sounds and works much better...hope i helped more than i hurt....

hi there, well i gave you the highest mark in "talent" cause it seems you are creative and could be a very good song writer..i see this in your clever rhymes, godzilla/mozzilla, robocops/cocopops..but even though you mention.."don't mind the f word etc. i think it turns off the reader as soon as they see it..(esepcially in the general public of writers..it could be a rap song, and there are songs..(alot)..in that field..(already) written like that, that they may like..but again, even those co...

hi there, and i agree with you totally..i might changed the word "piss"..to "upset" or "rufle a few feathers" or something along that line...but in general..good one...:)..lata, jim

hi there, very entertaining and amusing..i luv the title...seems a bit tough to put music to but anything is possible..(because the meter seems so different throughout)..i do like the lodon/thunder ryhme but it also needs more consistent rhymes throughout to make it more memorable and catchy,,,not to mention easier to sing...which is also why big words like you used in the first lines and a few throughout are also hard to sing to in a conventional song pattern,,,ok, i yapped enough...a little...

hi there, i like it..and the play with words throughout..traps..and craps..(roll the dice of life) and a good rhyme also..as well as irony and tyranny,,and i think alot of people can relate to this which also makes it good..it's short and sweet which makes it radio friendly as well...(like a song should be..not 7 mintues long)...well done..keep on writing..would like to read some more...lata..jim

hi, well it seems like it would make a very good rap song...alot of crisp catchy lines to go along with all those great rhymes....but it looks like you got tired at the end or 2nd half of the song..it should be constant throughout..make the 2nd half of the song as strong as the first half..in rhyming and cleverness..(sometimes we get in a rush to get it done and finish our work a little on the weak side...:)...but it's a diamond in the rough for sure..i luv the line..her smile..will kill you ...

hi there, quite deep...i'm not sure why it's call "thumbs" though, you have alot of good rhymes and good meter for a song...i think you need one more verse and need to make it a bit more clearer for any listener to understand..having simplicity and orginality is very hard but this is a good start..remember..all songs have a begining/middle and end...hope to read you again..jim

hi there, i luv it!....:)...very tongue and cheek...excellant 4 worder....the only 10 i have ever given.....:) short and sweet as can be.......jim

hi there, i like it,ilike the tempo...sounds a bit rap..which is popular and the fresh ryhmes are excellant..leaving at4..before/fabulous/virus/priest/keeps...and it's a positive love song..which is always good...keep up the good work...jim