cooeedownunder's profile
AGE:
42
LOC: Australia
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 19
LOC: Australia
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 19
Items
Version 1
5 Reviews
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Ableton dug for beach worms on the sandbar at Seal Bay, filling his bucket every now and again. Children’s laughter rang in the air as Elizabeth and Willie ran towards their brother. A group of men, carrying clubs, marched along the beach behind the children. Suddenly a cry, like that of a woman in pain, swelled into a loud strange sound before it died into a sob. Ableton looked towards the inlet. “Stay here!” he told the younger children. “Why can’t we come with you?” Elizabeth frowned. Will...
Version 2
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Chapter 5 Mermen Near the Island of Landon, on land and underwater, mermen lived in a magical world. They were a powerful, muscular, half human, fish species. They swarmed beneath the ocean’s surface through the maze of coral gardens of a realm called Finkingdom. Brilliantly coloured fish darted through secret caves amongst swaying green reeds, and shared their home beside the magical seahorses outside Fincastle. Crystal halls and dancing gardens of vibrant violet-coloured seaweed filled the ...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Chapter 5 Mermen Near the Island of Landon, on land and underwater, mermen lived in a magical world. Muscular and powerful, they swarmed beneath the ocean’s surface through the coral gardens of a realm called Finkingdom. Brilliantly coloured fish darted through secret caves amongst swaying green reeds, and shared their home beside the magical seahorses outside Fincastle. Crystal halls and dancing gardens of vibrant violet-coloured seaweed filled the castle. Lit by beams of deep-sea daylight, ...
Version 1
5 Reviews
6 Comments
Ableton stepped across the rocks at Seal Bay and hurried towards the inlet. The sound of laughter and the voices of both men and women filled the air. He crept then, stepped carefully, and came to where the bay open into the ocean. A handful of seals basked under the gentle sun, on the rocks in the distance. Ableton put his hands on his hips, and frowned, wondering where the voices had come from. In the ocean, seals were swimming away from the island. The seals on the rocks flopped into the m...
Version 1
5 Reviews
0 Comments
Tenith bustled as people made their way through the streets before darkness crept over the sky. Ableton and Luther walked along and came to a large crowd, which had gathered in the town's centre. “Burn the witch!” one woman shouted from the crowd. “Death is permanent,” a short fat man put in. “Just cut off her fingers.” “Now, now,” Tenith’s Governor Zion said, holding out his hands to keep the furious crowd away from the woman whom they had placed in the head shackle gallery. Governor Zion wa...
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Reviews
Firstly, very good effort. I know you said you have avoided some screenplay format because people don’t understand it. But the way it is now is much more confusing. If writing a screenplay it needs to be in screenplay format, and will be understood by people wanting to read a screenplay. Otherwise post it is a story elsewhere. When a screenplay starts you don’t need opening scenes – just simply FADE IN: You also don’t need camera shots, this is for the director to determine. You need to visua...
This is a good piece of writing. I feel it could stand alone as the first chapter, and possibly you introduce the next chapter by saying it is nineteen years later. But sometimes it is unnecessary to do this…you could slowly reveal this past throughout the story. Possibly make the reader, say, mmmmm, it fits in, somewhere down the track. Also, I would like to have seen more description at the beginning of this of the characters. Although I didn’t mind the conversations, I felt the story could...
A couple of thoughts, query letters should be business like. You are approaching someone in the hope of striking a business deal. You use a lot of contractions eg, it’s, that’s, I’ve…although these are common in speech they should be reserved for informal occasions. You also have also used it incorrectly in the following sentence, “Christmas and works it’s” is it really “Christmas and works it is?” I understand that you may be trying to give an informal tone to try to get the reader the impre...
After FADE IN: you need a slug line. Slug lines define three things….Inside or outside – INT. or EXT, place where scene takes place – ROOM? , DAY or NIGHT? Try; FADE IN; INT. ROOM – NIGHT Loud hip-hop music BOOMS. (What screen, you can only say what can be seen.) Who is the blond hair boy. If he is a main character, his name should be CAPs and age plus charachtisicis follow. EG IAN, 13, blond, stupid? - same for SAM CONNELL – how old is he, what does he look like. How can you convey that with...
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