The story is very clear in terms of the who, what and where, but the when is a bit iffy. The POV shifts many times from past to present tense causing many bumps that throw the reader out of the story. After combing through and working these out, the story will be much stronger. My advice, pick a POV and move on from there. Thanks!

First and foremost, there is a problem with the point of view you're going for here. Is it past or present tense? Because you seem to use both off and on throughout the story, causing several bumps which threw me out of the story several times. Look at the last line for example: "But for now Daniel sat, waiting, for his train." This suggests an omniscient narrator but this sentence takes place in the present while most of the story is a recollections of what he HAS seen as opposed to what is ...

A very touching story that goes to show how important family is. With the amount of dialog and lack of description in this story I would classify more as a scene, almost as if it belongs in a screenplay. While that's not a bad thing at all, if you were to add in some more description and/or put the reader into the POV of one of the characters then I believe it would become a more engaging piece rather than us simply witnessing the event at a distance. The language used to convey the love Jame...

Dealing with the horrors of war can be difficult. There are two different ways I feel to interpret this story. 1) It was all a dream, justifying the last sentence. As if he woke up and dreamed the whole ordeal, in which case I feel cheapens this story. 2) It did all happen, and the end of story is an odd twist that doesn't fit. It might just be my confusion, but there is something here that doesn't click. I wouldn't cheapen this story by wrapping it up in such a lame twist. The imagery her is...

What a twist. For the Urbis devoted, this will hit hard. What I might suggest, for the writer within the story (which I'm sure ISN'T based on anyone within the real world) would be to update their stories every so often, thus sending off a new batch of review requests with each update. Surely the amount of points will get a good rotation on the queue, but this is crucial to gaining more and more reviews. As for this tale, it is very sad and dark, and with your seemingly built in fanbase, we c...

This plays out much better as a scene from a play rather that a piece of flash fiction. That aside, it was a very funny conversation... at first. After about the second exchange it felt like "Voice Number Two" was beating a dead horse and "Voice Number One", being the slippery snake he is, just kept easing his way out of being pegged for what he is. I just honestly feel that the exchange lost a little steam and kept re-treading on what it had already established early on. If some other facets...

What a fun piece. The injection of the technical jargon regarding the procedure set this on fire for me. Almost as if what we are reading had been written by a witness to the event who just also happened to be a science/english major. Juggling two different schools of thought, letting the drop to the floor find out what comes of it = this poem. Very inventive. A fun, fast paced ride that ends with a hint of darkness and the foreshadowing of danger for characters we never see. Thank you for th...

Great display of how a couples love can fade over time. The part about the fireflies is very touching, and if this were a longer story and this scene had come before all of this it would be a nice foreshadowing device. Her ignorance to how hard it is get all of the bugs and his amazement at her ignorance. I have to say that the voice of the narrator is unclear. At first, it seemed omniscient, but at the end it switched to first person. Is it the journal speaking? Or is it the girlfriend refer...

I really enjoyed this piece. First of all, the very subtle hints that you gave to suggest it was his father in near the beginning, then re-enforcing it toward the end without ever really saying it was brilliant. In fact, we never get to know the sex of the main character, or if it was in fact a father or a father-figure but it doesn't really matter. The care that you have taken to strip away all of the fluff and leave the bare bones as to the motivation followed by the action itself, the lack...

From the ending I would assume that this is part of a larger piece or something which you plan to launch something larger from. But I won't dwell on that. All of the characters are setup quite well. Matt seems like a cool enough guy/possible love interest. Summer seems to fall prey to the same thing I do, being late. This aspect of her personality was utilized and displayer very well, especially the re-enforcement of her repetitive behavior as it was noticed by both Matt and her boss. Showing...