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AGE: 34
LOC: San Jose, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 20
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Novel Treatments / Chapter 9--The Way South
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  I had slept off the afternoon beer, and had risen before the sun was down. When I rolled out of bed, Bean was in the bathroom but I noticed he’d unpacked half his clothes. His Titanium Mac Book was on the bed next to me, a jujitsu video on mute playing. Before one steroided contender could finish off the next one, Bean popped out of the bathroom in charcoal tapered jeans and button-up shirt gloved his torsos: “You ready, Phillips?” I grunted, splashed some water on my...
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Novel Treatments / Chapter 8--Way South
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 When the bus from Laredo finally pulled into the station in Monterrey Mexico, all the excitement, fear and doubt I had about the trip concentrated itself in my lower back. Sprawled on my lap was the book on the “real” history of America, as Bean had spun it to me earlier. I stopped reading when I found out that the pilgrims were greedy savages who paid for their avarice by having to suffer through the worst New England winter of the century. Specifically, I stopped at the pa...
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Novel Treatments / Chapter 6--Way South
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Chapter 6 Once I made the decision to just up and leave, the array and intensity of people’s responses was more extreme than I’d expected. Those who were career-minded, and who believed I should (and would) eventually get to such a point, considered my decision suicidal. “What are you going to say when you return? If you return. And where exactly are you going again?” Shelby was my cousin who’d gotten his MBA when most students are still navigating the college circuit of 101s. He’d grown up h...
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Novel Treatments / Chapter 5--Way South
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6 Reviews   1 Comment
Chapter 5 Thankfully, I stopped drinking as soon as Bean left me and returned to Troy’s with the extra key I had. Thankfully Mishka was not blasting trance music, though Troy was still gone. Thankfully, sleep came quickly after I guzzled a liter of water, ate some leftover pizza and hopped into bed. Not so thankfully I awoke to someone kicking me. “Dude, I was about to call your parents.” Troy was hovering over me, smiling. I was relieved to see he wasn’t too pissed off at me for disappearing...
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Novel Treatments / Chapter 6--Way South
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2 Reviews   1 Comment
Chapter 6 Once I made the decision to just up and leave, the array and intensity of people’s responses was more extreme than I’d expected. Those who were career-minded, and who believed I should (and would) eventually get to such a point, considered my decision suicidal. “What are you going to say when you return? If you return. And where exactly are you going again?” Shelby was my cousin who’d gotten his MBA when most students are still navigating the college circuit of 101s. He’d grown up h...
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Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / A Murder Story. Chapter 1.
I like how the first paragraph pulls the reader in with the bus skidding to a stop. But to focus too much on the bus driver, and not as much on Spock and his gang, from the get go is to pass up a choice moment to really paint your characters vividly. After reading the story, only Spock sort of stood out. Even then I can't quiet seem him and I don't really know what motivates him. Sure the granny looked like his granny, but really, most would react the same way to seeing . Also the dialogue be...
Poetry / Gods Of War
Powerful poem on a phenomenon that many can relate to, but that which is not written about too often. A few of my very close friends can be zealously religious so your words held a special resonance with me. I especially like your use of 'across' and 'cross' in the first line. (The idea that we're not all part of the same belief, same fate, etc. is very powerful.) One line I did have problems with is: ‘til we kill to make each heaven’s sake seem true" The rhythm of this line really hurts (in ...
Short Story / More Tipsy Than Litzvah
This is a well-written, engaging piece. The use of witty subtitles to shift the action--a device that can easily flounder--works effectively. Fitz is both repulsive and endearing, a characterization that is not easy to pull off. One area that I think could use a little work is the dialogue. Yes, you are dealing with pedantic bores, but even then I feel that many of the dialogues read like soliloquies. (the end with Litzvah though is much more effective mainly because the dialogue is far more ...
100.0% Review Quality (3 Votes)
Short Story / La Piscina
Much like another piece I reviewed on Urbis--the main character muses as he sits at a restaurant--your piece is not a short story. It's definitely a travel-related journal entry/essay--heavy on description, the piece evokes a locale and the narrator has an epiphany at the end. A short story, however, requires character development, dramatic tension, resolution, etc. In your piece, they are nowhere to be seen. That doesn't mean that this piece can function as a chapter in a longer work/novel. ...
Short Story / The Barefoot Bar & Grill
I like some of the descriptions, especially of the Tengiz oil field and Mission Bay. The story as a whole reads a lot more like a diary entry than a short story. It's a reflection on life and a certain moment. It could make for a first chapter of a story that builds up to something. As is, this piece lacks almost all of the elements of a short story: character development, dialogue (save for the one request for beer at the end), narrative arc, tension, conflict, resolution, etc. Could there b...
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