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LAST LOGIN: July 16
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Version 1
17 Reviews
2 Comments
I'm still not sure why this happens - why women like you feel the need to hurt and betray other women. I've seen it time and time again. And still, I give my all in friendships, forgetting the hurt, denying the possibility of yet another shallow friend. The thing is... I befriended you. Despite everyone's warnings, everyone's predictions, I went out of my way to be your friend, your confidante, your support. You had no true friends, and you had no confidence. I willingly, gladly, helped you a...
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The overall message is great- the beginning is choppy. The rhyming scheme, where there is one, is sporadic and not solid. It gets better in the end. But if you are going to rhyme a poem, it is best to be consistent and use meter well. Otherwise, it becomes distracting and clumsy. Using the same word to rhyme is also awkward sounding. "I want to trip... to hurt... to fall" Love this line! It brings your point home. Most people are afraid to take chances to some degree. The fear of failing, or ...
At first, I was not sure about the story but by the end, I was surprised and hooked! A lot of times throughout this story, but especially in the beginning, you use too many words. You try to hard for description. Examples: Then, when the intercom announces closing time I prepare myself for the difficult task of finding a suitable hiding place in the back. This anxiety proves unnecessary however, as they only make a few cursory searches of the place before turning the lights off and locking th...
YOu write well. However, it seems you are trying to have too many analogies in this story. Do we focus on the grandson, the husband, the rat, or the lightning bugs. it seems there are more than one story going on. The reader is just getting acquainted with the husband, as she is talking about their anniversary, when suddenly the grandson is there in the picture. Next thing we know, we're blindsided by the accident. We were not given enough privy into the grandson to really feel. It's easy to ...
You have a lot of good points in this story. The idea itself, a memoir of such about the neighbor, however, it doesnt seem to catch me, or make me feel enough for junior to really get the end. I wasnt sympathizing enough with junior to really care what happened to him. Yet, you write "the whole world wept." I want to know why the world wept. What did they know that I didnt learn from reading this? Get us more emotionally attached to him. The one scene that goes into detail is the one where he...
This is a beautiful sentiment and your command of the language is good. "We were there, you and I. Oh, we were there." Those lines are powerful, suggesting the history, implying the depth of the relationship with only a few words. It's a little confusing in the aspect of the reader is not really privy to the status of the relationship now. Are they reuniting after some time apart, or are they simply in a rut, wanting to find that magic that was in the beginning of the relationship?
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