POV: I generally like the shift to the tree for POV, but only in a 3rd person omniscient form, rather than a 1st person. The problem with pure 1st person is the tree can only surmise what is going on around it. It also avoids the need to describe Randall and Sandra as the man and the woman. I’m going to step up with some suggestions in comments. On the other hand, if you go with the 1st person, just start off the story naming, “I am a maple tree.” CHARACTER: As a result of the shift to a POV ...

A variation on the Shakespearan sonnet in pentameter. Much of it struck me as trochaic, with some ternary or iambic lines, probably because of the feminine ending in -ing words. Only L2, S2 "To differ" seems particularly harsh; the rest seems to flow anyways. An enjoyable piece to read aloud. P.S. Sonnet contest at Able muse.

S1, L5  I think “at” rather than “on” is correct. S2, L4, I would suggest “lifted” than “risen” since the former is more suggestive of being acted upon. S3, not sure about L6, since the simile is always weaker than the metaphor, but also, the similes feel a bit weak here, given this is a punctuation line. It just needs a BAM there since it is asking for an analogy to be drawn outside the actual narrative. S4 is great, and at this point you’re rolling along nicely. S5, L5, I would suggest rev...

POV: 3rd person limited. Used to good effect here. No issues. CHARACTER: Good job sketching out Amy early. You have a knack for characterization. However, I felt there needed to be some explanation for her unusual calmness and grace, and some inkling of her relationship with Hamish, and Hamish’s relationship with logging, set out early to contextualize her response. This is particularly so given is importance to the family, as the primary bread winner. This also raises the question of what ha...

Overall, a pleasant prosody. I wondered at “quiet mire” since the silence implied seems a bit weak. I would prefer a visual rather than a auditory, particularly in the opening lines. Also, mire implies being stuck, so being stuck seems defy silence, and if it doesn’t, then something more visceral to the silence. Similarly, “mild sun” – the adjective is placid. I would prefer something a little less pastoral, though if pastoral is the goal, then a more visceral adjective would go a long ways t...

Nice villanelle in pentameter, though it varies between iambs and trochees. That I don't have a problem with. I note you didn't break out the stanzas, which would give more stress to the refraining lines in my opinion. The rhyming 2nd line is not consistent -- note the ideas and wildflower. Also, the 1st and 2nd lines do not rhyme - flow and endeavour. A purest would have huge problems with this. I don't. I think the end result is still strong and meaningful, which is the point isn't it. Nice...

Ok, a few comments on this one. I generally like what you’re doing here. The first paragraph could be more descriptive and by that I mean it could establish more plot and character. The 2nd and 3rd sentences could be merged. What’s important here? It is that he becomes “expert” enough to create the perfect child. The rich and famous and celebrated and wealthy are minor issues, but are hammered twice. Focus on the importance of his expertise instead. The second paragraph emphasizes Jessie’s pe...

When I looked at this piece, I thought I might spy a bit of John Donne, as the title, and there is a bit of it there. I wonder if you could stretch your theme further – focusing on what profundity there is in death’s pride. For in Donne, the challenge is to death, for Man shall overcome even death in eternal life. A very Christian idea. You could reverse it through an inversion to challenge the Christian mythos. The challenge is not death, but Death’s pride. The idea in Donne is that Death lo...

I’m going to stick with plot points here J. Personally, I liked the first version better. The reason? The first version focused more on the important elements economically, while this one seems to wander across a wider number of plot points more sparsely. I also thought the blind God creating his healer was clever in a Borgesian way, and that is lost in this version. Instead of a sense of circularity, we have an open-ended last sentence. Also, the parallel between God/Jesus and Cruz/Jesse is ...

It’s a tricky business working with rhyme. Here you have no discernible pattern. Since you’re working with 13 lines, I might suggest adopting something like a rondel or roundel. Go one more line and you’re into sonnet length. I guess what I’m saying is, be sure of your form before your rhyme. The magic of rhyming verse is in the form. Alternatively, you could go with a simple couplet form, either abab or aabb. Your metre changes up but mostly you seem to work with an anapaestic foot, i.e., L1...