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39
LAST LOGIN: December 13
LAST LOGIN: December 13
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Items
Version 3
7 Reviews
7 Comments
"You never seem to learn, do you?" I watched the back of his hands as he rolled a cigarette. They were smooth, white silk over stone. Some animal part of my brain keened. I stepped back, the cool stone of the crypt halting my retreat. He went through the motions unconsciously, palming the tiny box of rolling papers, drawing a sheet with a single fingertip, creasing it into a half-cylinder. His eyes were mismatched, one the color of the winter sky, the other an amber brown. I was transfixed. H...
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Version 2
1 Review
5 Comments
"You never seem to learn, do you?" I watched the back of his hands as he rolled a cigarette. They were smooth, white silk over stone. Some animal part of my brain keened and I stepped back, the cool stone of the crypt halting my retreat. He went through the motions unconsciously, palming the tiny box of rolling papers, drawing a sheet with a single fingertip, creasing it into a half-cylinder. His eyes were mismatched, one the color of the winter sky, the other an amber brown. I was transfixed...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
3 Reviews
4 Comments
"You never seem to learn, do you?" I watched the back of his hands as he rolled a cigarette. They were smooth, white silk over stone. Some animal part of my brain keened and I stepped back, the cool stone of the crypt halting my retreat. He went through the motions unconsciously, palming the tiny box of rolling papers, drawing a sheet with a single fingertip, creasing it into a half-cylinder. His eyes were mismatched, one the color of the winter sky, the other an amber brown. I was transfixed...
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Reviews
I like the repetition of the phrase "in between". I love the ocean and water metaphors at the end, especially when you use them in relation to your own experience. That's when I feel the closest to the meat of this piece. The theme of this piece is struggling to surface. I can almost grasp it, but it keeps slipping through my fingers. The use of "we" and "I" muddies the subject. I think I'd much rather read about your own thoughts and your own struggles, instead of listening to you speculate ...
Wow, what a roller coaster ride. This is a damned fine piece of writing. This is tight. This dumps me in the action straight away, trickles just enough back story in it to keep me interested, gives me a fallible human character that I can care about, that I care what happens to, and then pays off big time. Thank you. This is the best piece I've read on Urbis today. Simple, well-crafted, with a powerful punch. Good stuff. All tens.
The language in this is strong and powerful, simply beautiful. The first two thirds had me riveted. The metaphor was rich and powerful. The last third, it fell apart, came unravelled. Not just the harshness, but it became almost too literal. It didn't fit with the tapestry woven in the beginning. I love the scansion of this. It reads almost like a sonnet. Good work.
I appreciate the refreshing, introspective honesty of this piece. It's not as disjointed as you think. In fact, the stream of consciousness works, when you don't fall too far off message. I love the combination of personal speculation combined with experiential anecdote. The title is especially powerful and direct. Great hook. I would like to have had more personal experience in this piece, mixing the good with the bad. Your written voice is very powerful, especially for as non-judgemental as...
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