I like the way this piece is arranged. You have a very good eye for the "modern fairytale" genre, and your optimism is refreshing in an age of lovelessness of cynicism! The list format works well here and the piece reads as though it has been written in the letter or epistolary form, which is impressive for what is a probing piece of fantasy blogging. You care immediately for the girl getting her guy, and it goes to show that it is not such an unlikely happening after all. A charming read. La...

I was wondering if complete blackness could "surround" someone, that implies more being trapped by something in particular (i.e. being encroached by a group of people, applying this to a concept such as blindness seems a little off). "holding in almost breathless admiration" I feel needs tinkering since at the moment it lacks a real definitive meaning. It is a poetic phrase but I feel that it could use a re-wording to improve upon its overall impact. I feel that although the language in this ...

I admire your intention of pruning the piece to its bear bones. I hope I can be of help with achieving this aim. Here are a few observations I made while reading through the piece. "inside of me like a fetus" - I thought given you are using the repetitious "it is" expression for this paragraph it would be worthwhile starting this one with "it is" as well. I also thought "child" or "baby" seemed more appropriate than fetus, perhaps I merely found it too technical a word for the tone of the pie...

To italicise you use < i > before a word. No spaces. Then to close it < /i >. All squished together. I can't demonstrate as it's a command and would italicise my own words! Strong images to begin with, it has a swinging and energetic flow to it which makes it highly readable and even lightly poetic. You should try to steer clear of using such clichés as "torn with indecision." This is not a strong cliché but it just fits the bill. Of the opening paragraph there are a great deal of...

I like this continual obsession with shape, diameter and bodily contours... it lends the character a certain neurosis reserved for the obsessive compulsive or the mildly insane. This is good. The narrative style unfurls like the inner workings of a demented comedian's mind, rather like a mad Bob Hope has been locked in an asylum with a notepad and pen and told to write a novel or have his blanket confiscated. This is also good. Unlike Mr. Hope, however, you can actually write intelligent humo...

I remember reading this in the queue a while ago, is this the revised version? I recall how interesting the concept of this inner-city musical seemed at the time (which not to say the concept has dwindled in enjoyment since I last read). Melanie and Amy's dialogue flows rather well and they spar of each other with a nice little kinetic energy. The humour is very well done, and the fact it is set in the Broadway setting lends it a classical quality. It reads like part tribute, part early work ...

Very astute and witty. I agree entirely!

Great. Really evokes the changing of civilisation! Like the wheels are in motion dawning a new age!

Very eerie. I see an empty flat in the dusk with little children shivering in their beds.

Beautiful haiku. Evocative of summery goodness.