catherinespark's profile

Much to the delight of our stockholders and indeed our stockbrokers, we found out that Kidneystone Krunch added an extra decade onto the lives of the Japanese! It was the one cereal bar in the world that came close to offering the oriental consumer a brief fraction of immortality. You can trawl the history books all you want, but nowhere down the annals of time will you find a creation as remarkable as this cereal sensation. We had surpassed the realm of the commonplace scientist by about eig...

2:30PM: Muse on the plight of adopted ions. Consult a textbook for the exact definition of somersault. Invoke the wrath of a 19th century chimney sweep who becomes my plant supplier. 2:45PM: My husband divorces me, but falls down the stairs in attempt to leave. Dies. I store him away for future dissection and then go and read Beowulf. 3PM: Call a spade a shovel. Am sued by the Shovel Brethren. Purchase a pogo stick and enter the 2009 pogolympics on Neptune. Have an unbuttered television on to...

6AM: Get up. Think about cutting up corpses. Go back to bed with a digestive biscuit. 6:15AM: Get back out of bed to shut the door and get rid of the shadows playing on the wall. 6:30AM: Dream about nude corpses. Imagine being spanked by a 53-year-old female with salt frosting in her hair. 6:45AM: Wake up and read Frankenstein. 7AM: Thumb wrestle the corpse in my bed. Ask him if I should get up. He does not respond. 7:15AM: Check myself for vital signs. Routine disappointment when I discover ...

Dear citizens of 2008. You are doomed to this: The sun is one thousandth of a percent redder. McDonalds have terraformed Saturn. Potato harvesting is the most wanted profession in the universe, with an income of over 30 million credits per annum. Excretion is banned. The underclass are made to hold up the few remaining trees to stop them falling over. Jumpsuits are the only legal form of clothing, colour-coded according to rank and class. Yellow is the lowest class, followed by orange, red an...

Our cities are in ruin. The homeless are in charge. We wander the liquorice avenues in our pashminas and clodhoppers, alone in need of lungs, exchanging the following phrases: “Please welcome the bearded men inside.” “Leave the tractors alone, they mean no harm.” “Goodness gracious… look at the state of the farmhands!” The leather jackets we wear are less spectacular than those of our cousins and our coffees are undercooked. It is quite possible that one in two men are named Clarence. This mu...