caravans's profile
AGE:
59
LOC: Germany
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 20
LOC: Germany
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 20
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Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
3 Comments
The stone walls kept the interior of the ancient church almost cold even as the midday heat softened the pavement outside. Patrick shivered, went out into the churchyard and turned his face up to the sun, then he reached into his shopping bag for the Panama hat he’d just bought. He looked for a bit of shade where he could rest his feet before walking back to his hotel and settled on a bench under the trees behind the church despite a homeless man asleep a few feet away on a stone...
Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
The evening sunlight broke through the fir trees as if through columns and made the clearing look like the nave of a cathedral. Danny smiled at the thought, dropped his back pack and sunk into the only soft chair in camp, a piece of red canvas slung over a black rusting frame. “God, at last.” He said, his youthful energy worn out for the moment. Welcome to Sky Camp.” Wills said taking off his pack and setting it on the picnic bench next to Danny. &ld...
Version 1
5 Reviews
1 Comment
“Tito? You’ve never been lonely here before.” “No, not until I met him.” After an hour of chipping stone in silence Tito stood up and stretched. "You can take a break now.” He groaned. "Would you like a beer?" He began pounding at the dust that had settled into his shirt. "Not really. It's a little early." Marina got up and walked over to the studio door. The top half was glass rippled by age and filled with tiny bubbles. It gave the only natural light at that end of the room and was always ...
Version 1
7 Reviews
3 Comments
The alarm clock unwound itself to a stand still unheard on the kitchen table. An hour later stones breaking in the garden on the other side of Marina’s bedroom wall woke her. Her drowsy mind wondered why the landlord was repairing her kitchen chimney so early, and why he hadn’t warned her first. Then she noticed the sun coming through the window and realized she was late for work. She hurried to the closet, slipped into a light dress and found her sandals. In the kitchen she glared at the cl...
Version 1
6 Reviews
3 Comments
"Come," Tito said as they walked through the arched entrance and into the dome that covered the Great Market of Botafago, a hive of stalls and cubicles that sold everything imaginable to eat and drink or use in the kitchen. "You've got to see the whole layout." Tito led Jose up a crowded stairway. On the landing a group of young men in tight jeans and cowboy boots argued over the price of several bags of white powder. At the top of the stairs the spice sellers crowded along a narrow mezzanin...
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Reviews
yes, a satisfying ramble. 'Angus bull still standing' - why the 'still'? Is it after he shat, before he is slaughtered, or just before he lies down? It's important to know, or take it out. "is underrated' - the wrong word here. is exciting - tells us something; underrated - tells us you assume something about your reader that may not be true. 'just enough to conjure' - a little too magician for my taste, when you mean produce, I love some images - 'knocked around by the aroma' And I would be ...
authoritative gait of the walk - is redundant, his gait means how he walks Is the 2nd paragraph necessary at all? rain rain go away person of severe interest - great interest might be better. Just a question, not meant to anger - 1st chapter begins a sci-fi. This one begins a murder mystery. So, how much of all this police detail do you really need to advance the previous story?
Good flow needs good grammar! Sentence 1 - Why not - K turned back hesitantly and studied the results of his labor. ('of his labors hesitantly' makes the reader stumble) 'Inside his workshop is where Kian felt the most at home. Like his workshop..' Inside is where - clumsy. Why not K felt most at home in his workshop which was built... racks of drying, hanging herbs accented - 'accented' sounds like you're writing for Better Homes and Gardens. Why not 'cluttered' the room since you then say p...
plastic craft 1-5 (I started reading it but had to stop, and now it's not on the list. Here are some corrections for it anyway) Neglecting to respond : not responding - sounds better. No rest led to her abandoning : here neglecting sounds better- over all attitude : overall only prepared breakfast : had only prepared her hidden emotions that she battled alone; had to read this twice. by the emotions she battled with (it's pretty clear she is doing it alone) over my fade cut hair : what does f...
Fascinating, even if the opening paragraph is a bit clunky. 'J.O. waits ... and has to wait... Angry, Jim..(why not 'he')... He decides to multitask so..' Does anyone actually think to himself - I think I'll multi-task now? Just telling us what he does is enough. And then what kind of specialist? Why not a doctor, psychiatrist? I love the ending. This is otherwise a great story.
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