calowa's profile

Describe the feeling of sand between toes and the water's spray. Think of good verbs here and change up the syntax of the sentences. This will enable your reader to pull forth some physical memory of their own. The "your" in the fourth line should be "you're" instead. The ellipsis in the first line should be deleted and replaced with another form of punctuation like a dash. The one (ellipsis) in the second-to-last stanza should be deleted. I like that the hands "trail" in this poem. This is a...

Actually, I really enjoyed this piece. It was both full of great imagery, and it was great at conveying a message to the reader. Thank you for inviting me in. About the language: I am interested in seeing your lines be of more similar length. The one distracting thing was the desire for there to be pentameter throughout this piece. I am not typically picky about this stuff, but I think it would to a lot for this piece. Another thing, to be picky, is the disconnectedness between the first thre...

First, in 12 words, you had me scratching my head. I thought, "What orb?" I can't place it. I can see this in my mind, but it still makes no sense to me. About language: What you only have 17 syllables to work with, it doesn't make sense to use a penny word like "great" instead of a more descriptive word. I like your verb choice "shatters" and what it does for the haiku. That makes this. I could see this happening. Your image, I mean. That was interesting. What isn't conveyed is why I should ...

This could definitely go somewhere, but it reads a little rough to me right now. For example, the first two lines of the poem read like they should be four. Like this: "Go ahead my dear lady/sing that song of sorrow/spilling notes of shattered glass/from the window of desperation." There is a nice flow to that. Your lines go from such long ones to such short ones, without any available reason. Also, it is necessary to punctuate. I was reading this, and since there wasn't more than one comma u...

What a bold, brave move you've made to do this. I braced myself upon opening this piece in expectation of finding a horrible and weak piece. You work is pretty good. As a Plato fan, I get this dialog and couldn't help but lose myself in it. There are a couple places where your language leaves the Plato-esque language and enters the realm of modern-day colloquialism. I'll put them in quotations below. "I hear that Protagoras is in town again soon." "...because we think you have a problem." ".....