This is written like a memoir, but reads pretty dry. Compare to David Sedaris if you want to know what I mean. The opening paragraph are just lists and lists of facts. I don't see a signature style or creative phrasings that might make your insights on the events more intriguing. For instance, David is born deaf and with a heart defect. He was in and out of the hospital. But how does that make you feel? How does that affect the family? How does it affect David? It seems this piece needs to be...

There are a quite a few things you can do to make this read easier. '“Pick that sack up” he yelled.' If you tell us that this is James Peek right here, it will make more sense than waiting to introduce him until the third paragraph. '“No, not really( as though I cared )” I replied.' Rule of thumb: Avoid using parentheses unless absolutely necessary. The way this should read: "No, not really," I replied as though I cared. Also, you always need punctuation to close a quotation. In this case, yo...

You've got the beginning of a story, but you are doing too much telling and almost zero showing. If we saw scenes of action and dialogue between the characters, we'd have a much better understanding of them and we'd care more. But instead you list fact after fact, and expect us to find some emotional connection to characters we don't get a chance to watch. We want to understand the woman's desire for this bad man, and we cannot in the format you've presented it. Stylistic concern: You use way...

The piece seems to be trying too hard to convince us how hard it was for this mother, rather than having her present it as the only things she knows. Have her tell the events in a way that allows us to see it was hard, without her ever once saying it was hard. Maybe she doesn't even know how hard her life is in comparison to the lives of most. But we, the readers, can be shown a hard life and recognize it. That should be your goal. "I'm a mother, a good mother, and a determined one." Try: "I'...

You've got a knack for description. It gives me not only the image of this cold, outdoorsy opening scene, but also a feel. "a gibbering young goat" Gibbering seems to be something only human's can do. Of course goat-talk (if there is such a thing) is unintelligible. Are you sure this is the adj. you are looking for? "H. peered up through brows of bushy gray" Take a second and try to get your eyes to look in such a fashion that you can see through your eyebrows. Doesn't really work, even if th...

You have a very effective and extremely conventional method of description and characterization. While your imagery is successful and I can visualize your details, you lack a distinctive voice. That is to say, I'm not sure if I picked up another story by you without the author's name listed that I would be able to tell it was by you. I'd recommend more diverse word choices, more unconventional figures of speech to really make this piece feel distinct. Right now, it feels to me like something ...

"Elise moved her wireless optical mouse to reveal her desktop wallpaper" You are telling us this is why she moved the mouse. Is that why she did it? Or is this just a byproduct? "Elise followed the faerie’s downward gaze" Again, did she actually follow the gaze that led her to click, or was her intention to click on the icon all along? "slanted eyes" Isn't this usually considered derogatory? "The screen went dark again as the loading symbol of a blinking eye appeared in the lower right of the...

Okay, nice piece. Great idea. Confusing execution. For one thing, it took me until the end to figure out MawMaw was her mother, not her grandmother. This needs to be cleared up, because I've never heard anyone refer to their mom that way. Also: too much time confusion. We go from a particular time line, to stuff happening in her head, to generalized abstracted time lines, then we flash back when she first got the tree and get a montage of it to the present. I would work on simplifying this. W...

"pigeons are still about... their bullying and hungry shrieking hurting her tired ears" This sounds more like seagulls than pigeons, which I think of cooing and being bullied by bigger birds. "decided on her plan" Decided on a plan. 'Decided on her plan' sounds like there was Joe's plan, and Ann's plan, and her own plan, and she decided to go with her own. "They’re just words. She knew differently." Confusing. "she tried to have something done" Too vague. Be specific. Did she seek justice? "T...

Since I know that you are young, I won't be as harsh as I might otherwise be. You do show promise. But you don't yet have many of the skills that it takes to write successful short fiction. A lot of this is due to the fact your English teachers don't teach fiction writing. Part of it is that you are still in the process of growing as a writer. The pluses: I understand your characters and the point of your story. It's a fairly compelling type of story. It could be made into something successfu...