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burntespresso's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: Boston, MA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 20
LOC: Boston, MA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 20
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Version 1
10 Reviews
2 Comments
It was like a fog Blinding everything ahead of us I looked behind me and there, too, I could not see The white flakes fell in a rhythmic way each had its own place, its own role to play In the overall scheme. I wondered where I was going But not you who had found a snowflake. I wished I could. Upon waking the air is crisp, cold --carrying a silent breeze. The handle on the window is stubborn, it defies me squeak, jolt, closed--finally closed. The roads are busy, with a purpose Hurry up! We ha...
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Though you only have 6 words, I think you can play with this more to get a stronger message across.
I like the concept, and it's concise, yet still says something.
Good descriptions. Vivid. THere is potential here. Description dominates more than plot does though.
I like the imagery in this. Lines that stood out to me: -"our marriage neatly packed away in a blue shoebox" I think "neatly packed" fits really well with the idea of the shoebox.. and it's interesting that you would say this about a marriage. -"it is Spring, after all, and days reach out for Summer," I like the personification. -"Rose skies crackle, the petals rubbed along the west - fading, as the ruby washed from her lips;" I just love the way that is worded.. I like the colors.
I know acknowledged that this is not a new idea, but this is very cliché. And the way you worded it doesn't really put a new, refreshing twist on it or add any other insight. So.. it kind of sounds like old news.
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