"Nature slips, its Fall." So are you saying this is just when Mother Nature lets herself go? it is a good methaphor and i guess is personification becuase you are saying she is only human? Either way, i like this first line. "Even seasons trip, like us all. They have Mother Nature, she catches their decent." But then here, you are saying it is the seasons that are falling, and Mother Nature is catching them. which one is it? "We search for the security of her love, it’s a search that does not...

"The day continued on like any other, too, below backlit Emergency and Exit signs, their brilliance only accentuated by the reddest of reds, glaring high above the industry of death." the punctuation in this sentence is a little bit strange and the way it is worded it doesnt really make sense. it sort of seems a little run-on-ish. "There would be the familiar turns of the yellowing pages of his never-returned high school library copy of Dune..." this part makes Jessie seem very human by telli...

"For weeks, I never understood the attraction. Her stomach tells me about the lovely weight of his resting thighs. Her hair describes the fun of tickling his lips. " this is a very original way to describe something or have something described. it doesnt really make sense, but it sort of goes with the way the lyrics are written so it is good. "Until we meet again, I am yours." this is a very good line to end with. it relaly is very final, and sums up the preceding. soem parts of the song dont...

"The parents’ faces " this line seems to be just stuck in there. "The mayhem The antics The sheer fun" the repetitiveness of "the" here really works, and adds emphasis to what you are saying. "Three times that house shook With anxious faces Anticipating all that energy And change of focus But that first time Must have been such a rush To have led to a second and third" there is very vivid imagery in the first part of this stanza, with the anxious faces. "We forgot to remember For the most par...

"Debra pulled up the collar of her leather jacket, leaned into the wind, and ignoring her best friend’s advice to wait out the blizzard, braved the season’s first snowstorm." you switch tense in the middle of this sentence try not to be too "telling" in your descriptions of what was going on or what the setting is. you also say that is was cold several times. though you say it differently, it is still a bit repetitive. this is an amazing start that captured my attention right away! i want to ...

i really like the idea of this poem. i read above that your poems usually come out how you want them to, but i think you should consider two small things that i was thinking about as i read this poem. first: some of the lines really flowed i.e. "its cold where i live my friend from the north" and all similar lines. but then you would get really choppy between them. the poem would sound much better if you could clear some of this up. try reading it out loud lyrically and you will see what i me...

" She knocked loudly and he let her in the door. She strode past him, as forcefully as anyone who resembled a fairy could stride." you say "she," "he," and then "she,"again very close together. if you didn't have this there might be confusion but it makes it very repetitive. i have had this same problem in my own writing and really the only way to fix it and keep the clarity is to try and rewrite the sentences. " “Don’t let anyone fuck me up too bad. Fight back or run if you have to. You know...

"The ear plugs are stuck in my ears, the cord drooping down to my side and residing in my pocket, with the rest of the machine." you should take out the comma between pocket and with because you dont naturally take a pause there if you read it aloud. "I ride fast until I finally reach the chain of stores. A Dunkin Donuts, and other stores not nearly as famous. " you say "stores" two times within two sentences so it gets a little redundant. "I think, “No one’s going to steal my bike” But then ...

"THE BATHROOM IS MUCH MORE NEAT THAN THE BEDROOM." it is okay as it is but i think that saying the bathroom is much neater than the bedroom would just flow better "I NOTICE THERE IS DRIED BLOOD CRUSTED UP IN THE CORNER OF MY FRESHLY PAINTED PINK LIPS. I AM VERY PLEASED WITH THIS REFLECTION I SEE STARING BACK AT ME." the way you have it worded, it seems like she is pleased with the blood on her face. switch the two sentences around and add a "but," before the second one. this would make it flo...

"Those acres of Georgia land farmed by papas bare hands. " do you mean Papa's? "Mostly I want that southern, self reliant, fuck it attitude. Raised in California, I’m lost if there’s no Starbucks on every corner." I thought it added a lot to the poem how you didnt use any verbs until the last two lines. i think this really says somehting about people form the city. it makes me laugh but its true.